maybe it's all around to see if we try

the truth

2011-12-11T16:24:00.001-08:00

I want to let you go so bad but I can't. It's so painful that the only solution left is to wait.

nights like these

2011-08-21T08:29:00.001-07:00

i'm really sorry i'm not good enough.

ultimate BV

2011-05-26T23:36:00.000-07:00

i am so mad right now that this might sound so stupid to write about but since i think no one (or hardly anyone) reads this anyway, might as well let it out. this would probably be gone in a few days.

1. it is not my fault that stupid bagyo didn't hit manila. don't get me wrong, i am thankful that it left and didn't do any harm to anyone here but seriously, couldn't you have made your weather predictions a bit clearer. this is so mababaw but coordinating all the way from another country to fix this up is no easy thing. then you made me panic about carpool and made me beg like how many people just find. then made me even ask my parents who were furious about letting me even go in the first place. i was just going to make takas everything for this AND THEN, it was my call to cancel it AND THEN, that's when the storm decides to go away. and now, i can't find any time anymore to resched because i'm leaving and school is about to start.

2. i was lazy, yes. but because i wanted to be a nice friend, i said yes to going anyway. then when i finally reply, you make me rush into getting ready. which i did and which stressed me out too btw because i ended up accidentally cutting my finger since i was in such a hurry. then as i go down the elevator, you call me and tell me that it was freaking moved. so fine, never mind. but i was there already so i went with you anyway and five minutes into the car ride, we both decided we're tamad and we just go back home. perfection.

3. okay so you told me to plan it. but i'm lazy and honestly, it's more of i really don't care right now. i'm on an all time low right now and this whole thing is the last thing i want to prioritize in my life, even if i sadly have to. so i'm trying everything to avoid it. EVERYTHING I TELL YOU. but so many obligations and people i will let down if ever. but there are times like right now that I ABSOLUTELY DON'T CARE. and then all of a sudden, ~YOU~ (a different you btw) post on fb trying to rub it in my face, you don't think i notice. then ~YOU~ (another person) comment on that post as if you could have done a better job. and then ~YOU~ (again another person) add to make everything worse by doing something that i should be doing and was told to do but since i've decided to ignore it, you'll go ahead and do it. okay, everything sounds so vague but basically, i decided to not care and suddenly, i'm feeling bad for not caring when someone else decides to do your job and care. sounds stupid, especially since i don't care. but since i'm writing about this right now, i obviously do care. LORD WHY DO I NOT CARE. AND WHY DOES EVERYTHING LOOK LIKE I'M MY FAULT.

I'M SORRY OKAY. i'm sorry i've been making wrong calls and i'm sorry i've not been caring enough. and i'm sorry because i think that this whole thing was a mistake. i'm not that person and i can't be that person. i think i care too much for myself and what i want to do. and even if i realized that right now, i don't feel like changing myself just for that. maybe for other things, yes. but right now, i'm at a low and i just don't care.

i am so dead when the school starts and i just pray that this whole thing i'm feeling disappears and i pray i will regret everything i ever wrote here.

it's really all my fault and i'm ashamed. :(

true story

2011-03-13T06:44:00.001-07:00

good things come to those who wait.

i'd lie

2011-02-05T19:28:00.000-08:00

never thought a boy would make me cry so hard. i guess i was wrong. this is definitely one for the books.

it's the experience

2011-01-08T18:05:00.000-08:00

this week i learned to never ever ever take your friends for granted. especially since they're pretty much the closest thing i have to a family now. it's been another tough week, but i'm really thankful for the friends who helped me go through it and give me a reason to smile each time. this sounds awfully cheesy but this is just a self-reminder that even at the hardest times, there will always been people who care, whether or not you realize it. and there will always be a reason to be happy and enjoy, just try looking at the bright side more often.

plus why would you waste your college wearing a sour face most of the time. it's not the grades or achievements that you'll remember about college. you'll remember the feelings and the friends and the good times.

another 2011 post

2011-01-02T19:40:00.001-08:00

besides that drama in my last post, i think i've been doing alright. actually wait, no that's a lie. i look like i'm doing alright but i'm actually still lost with what to do with my life. i've had this problem for a really long time now. if you asked me what i want to do at this very moment, i want to be at the beach with my friends, listening to my favorite 90s songs and drinking until the sun comes up. but since that's not really possible with classes resuming tomorrow and exams and homework piled up for the next weeks, i'm just blank with what to do. i know should be studying right now. i know i could be more productive somehow. but it's not really what i'm looking for right now.

see, i've been on this "journey" for quite some time already. you know, the whole "searching for something fulfilling to do with my life etc etc" thing. and obviously i still have no answer. i tried joining a new org, meeting new people, going to new places, isolating myself from the rest of the world, trying out new hobbies or interests, spending more time with my family, asking a million people, praying about it and even some sort of meditation time in silence. not sure if i'm doing something wrong or looking in the wrong places, but it still hasn't come.

so what should i do now? honestly, i don't know. it's 2011 and i thought by now i'd have at least some progress. well maybe i did, even if it's just a little bit. but since i don't have any answers or i don't have a clue what else to do, i guess the only think i can do is to continue doing what i've been doing. i'm still looking into trying out new things, meeting new people, exploring the world etc etc. nothing much has changed, just probably with a different perspective now.

the important thing i've learned is just not to give up. i know i'll find it one day. and of course, to continue enjoying life as it goes along. college is really an amazing experience but i'd be stupid if i took it for granted and took everything so seriously. do what you want and do it with no regrets. that's my 2011 resolution.

hello 2011

2011-01-02T19:14:00.000-08:00

promises mean a lot to me. no matter how we close the deal - whether's it's by saying 'promise' or 'word' or with a pinky promise or with a hug. but when someone makes a promise to me, i really hold on to those things. so it hurts like hell when those promises don't come true. i admit though, i'm not a perfect keeper of promises either and i know everyone breaks a couple of promises sometimes. but to break it almost every time?

you know what i honestly feel, i feel like you think it's okay to break your promises to me because i'm the type of person who'll forgive you anyway. that i can't stay mad at you for too long. that i'll be there when you need me and just stand around in the corner when you don't.

i don't know, maybe promises don't mean as much to you as they do to me. i wonder if you even ever noticed that when i say i'll do something for you, i'll really try to do it. but for me, i don't even see you try sometimes. you probably think that everything's okay between us. but that's only because i never make a big deal out of things. and why would i? they say the best way to fix things is to talk about it. but everytime i try, it's always next time or i'm busy. go ahead, make time for the rest of the world.

bottom line is, i don't think i can make you happy. and you're very good at showing that. you don't smile or laugh the same way you used to anymore. and that's probably why you don't make any effort to keep your promises either. maybe someone else can make you happier because i don't think i can.

i'm a bitter bitch. i have no where else to put this so that's why it's here.

one last:
can you really stop shitting me. you can tell the entire world but not me. wish you had the guts to tell it to my face.

2010-11-17T02:28:00.000-08:00

stop shitting me.

a sembreak conversation

2010-11-03T04:46:00.000-07:00

e: ... i can't stop thinking about it.
l: that's your problem.
e: what?
l: you think too much.

e: i tried as many things i could last sem, even to the point of tiring myself out, just hoping i could find it. but still nothing.
l: try focusing on the things you already have before trying new things
e: but i don't know where to start.
l: here's what you do - make a list of things that made you happy last sem and another list of things that made you sad. then for the following sem, focus more on the things that made you happy rather than sad.
e: what if what makes me happy is to make other people happy
l: you can't make everyone happy and you know that.

e: why are you so smart
l: because i don't think too much. i just let things come as they are.
e: unlike me
l: yeah
e: then have you ever wondered why we got along in the first place?
l: yeah, but i guess we have qualities that the other doesn't so we help each other out. you help me think some things through and i help you loosen up a bit. it balances out.

e: ... me too, but i'm scared to say it.
l: there you go again. stop thinking too much about it and say it.

--

thank you sembreak for giving me this chance to rest and get fat. and thank you for giving me advice that made me feel more stupid but at least more free after.

days we live for

2010-09-22T05:30:00.000-07:00

and just like that, you had me already.

waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide

2010-09-04T18:40:00.000-07:00

okay, so this is how i explained it to you the other night.

i was already in that point where i was so sure of myself and my decision - i didn't want anything that would get in my way. i was already on that maximum point, on the tip of the iceberg, at the highest limit etc etc and i knew had to do it soon.

so you bet that i couldn't tell him. but i did. then for some unexplainable reason, i just realized that all i needed to do was talk to him. i told him i honestly don't think i can meet up with any of his expectations, i can't always be free or expect to always go for it. i said that i had my own things and my own life and those things mean just as much to me to the point where it wasn't about me anymore. so i told him all those things on one car ride home. then he said he completely understands and that he didn't have any expectations at all. zero, none, yeah.

i came home that thinking oh no, he didn't get it. i expected him to be more aggressive and i was scared it would backfire. yes, he was still sure of what he wanted, but the very next day, he found some way to make things easier for me all of a sudden. for one, he stopped being clingy. he let me be and let me do what i wanted. he was able to find that magical boundary between giving me space and being there for me (pia's letter). he stopped with the drama and lessened the bvs. he gave up a lot of ffl just to make things happen. he met my parents. he became a really good friend.

so just when i was at that threshold of letting everything go completely, he managed to pull me back.

even with jma, nyc, acads, family, friends etc etc and other possible reasons or excuses i can think of to tell myself that it won't work, you were right. knowing someone is there for you is a great thing and i shouldn't take that for granted. i'm doing just that.

to where this thing goes in the near future, i have no idea. i haven't had any idea for the past year. all i know is now and just a night of nothing but gvs. :)

they made a statue of us

2010-08-18T23:18:00.000-07:00

things don't have to change. i like it better this way.

if i was stronger than that

2010-07-10T04:23:00.000-07:00

i don't know if it's a normal thing to have friends get mad at you every once in a while but since it happened a lot pretty recently, i'm starting to think that it's not normal.

i love my extra-currics. they're not even a lot. but why is it ruining my relationship with everything else? i don't think it's supposed to. it's supposed to de-stress me from crazy acads or keep me on my toes instead of being a bum. and it's doing just that, but more. i used to think it was a problem of having too much. but now i think it's a problem of, i dunno actually. but i think it has something to do with when i'm not feeling something, then i won't do it. that's actually a problem since usually obligations or commitments aren't supposed to be feelings-based, not just concerning work but with relationships, friends, families etc too. apparently, i "feel" org work more than i do with other things. it's like i'm sucked way too much and i can't open up to other things, especially other commitments.

i don't know what to do. i can't stop what i'm doing now. but i don't have any idea how to fix things either. i'm trying. i tried by detaching myself (i.e. away from facebook and phone) but that backfired completely.

so i really hope you won't leave me too.

see you around

2010-07-05T06:54:00.000-07:00

i don't know what to do. i've never been as confused in my entire life. shit. does this even count as love? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

perfect shade

2010-06-13T07:03:00.000-07:00

i'm going to sound really evil but i wish you have nothing to do with me and my life. i'll live mine the way i want to.

burday

2010-06-10T08:42:00.000-07:00

i like this birthday. really simple yet really sweet. happy 19 to you. here's to your last teen year. :)

19

2010-06-09T06:01:00.000-07:00

ten things i promise myself before i turn 19:

1. do not check her facebook account anymore
2. try to be a girl
3. fight the bad days
4. have a little more faith in yourself
5. faithfully
6. don't stay complacent
7. do not touch alcohol
8. be thankful for people in your life
9. don't say yes to everything, because you really can't do everything
10. learn to stick to your promises

i've always wondered what it feels like to deactivate your fb account on your birthday.

i'll light your match

2010-06-05T06:31:00.000-07:00

summer is ending soon. and i haven't done anything great with my summer either. it's been pretty dull actually. and very fast, compared to last summer. or the one before that. i think i found it fast because of the lack of bumming around. it's always go here on one day or do this on another day. i haven't had 3 days in a row this summer that i could say hey, i have nothing to do so i'll just watch movies/tv series the whole day or sleep and eat all i want. no, it's always rest this morning but later in the afternoon i have to do this. or i have to finish this today because i need it for tomorrow. sure, this summer was productive but i wouldn't really call it fun.

not to mention the stress i dealt with/am dealing with this summer. you can't blame me for not enjoying it. as much as i believe stress pushes me to work well, i still believe that i need a break, and i need that break in summer. but i only have 2 more days left and it's definitely not enough.

birthday's coming up. i can't say i'm really excited for it either. i wish i could be a little happier for it though.

if there's only one thing good about this summer ending, it's that there's finally rain.

on a completely unrelated note, i just realized that it's true what they say - you won't realize how much you miss someone until they're actually not around.

seeing things again

2010-06-01T04:59:00.000-07:00

this is going to sound really stupid but i think i've been having self-esteem issues. i think i should blame facebook.

reading

2010-05-29T18:25:00.000-07:00

Is it normal when your friends start hating you after a while?

2010-05-25T03:06:00.001-07:00

I AM PRAYING SO HARD THAT THERE'S A WAY TO STAY PLEASE.

break heart

2010-05-19T17:59:00.000-07:00

He's trying me again. And it hurts so much. It's like heartbreak but a hundred times worse. Just when I think my life is okay, He shakes things up all over again. But I guess it's time to accept that my life will always be like that. He's testing me if I can be strong. I wish I could be but it's so painful. And when it finally hits me, I'll probably cry buckets then eventually let it go. But I trust Him. I know it's always for the best.

i don't understand

2010-04-26T04:52:00.000-07:00

i'm actually really worried for you this week. i got extra scared when you stopped replying. i really hope you're fine. because for some odd reason, i won't be fine if you're not. shit, i don't even know why i care. you just asked me to stay, and i did.

or maybe it's just me

2010-04-19T03:09:00.000-07:00

i am a jealous bitch. you did it once, twice and now a third time all in a span of 2 weeks. with the same freaking person. out of all the chongalings in the world, it just had to be her. right after exiting the window, sometimes i click on the link again and read it one more time just to see if i'd feel the same thing the next time around. and sadly, i do. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

so true

2010-04-14T06:06:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, we just got to act like there’s nothing wrong.

thinking of

2010-04-07T23:14:00.000-07:00

first fault: you fell for your kabarkada. do not fall for your kabarkada

second fault: you like someone, then he likes you back, and when you're starting to get somewhere, you back off like it's the worse thing in the world.

third fault: happened, stopped, happened again. one word: paasa.

conclusion: it's my fault.

me being irrational

2010-04-05T18:18:00.001-07:00

i hate boys. can they just die in hell. minus my family and myAQ barkada of course. either than that, can they all just die those stupid flirts. might as well include the entire chinese population if they can fit in hell. DIE.

after the day is done

2010-04-05T17:58:00.001-07:00

okay, fine. so honestly i didn't want it THAT badly. but the only reason i felt bad was because it was a blow to my pride. i've never NOT been accepted or NOT get any position i wanted, until now. a complete waste of day, but i did learn that:

1. failure exists in life, ESPECIALLY IN UP. (no wonder they say that UP is the best teacher, not just in terms of academics.)
2. you can't always get what you want
3. once in a while you fail, only to get better
4. once in a while you have to humble yourself
5. if your heart is not in it, don't even bother

makes you think

2010-03-25T02:31:00.000-07:00

i received a futureme letter. HAHAHAHA.

about those chinese boys

Dear FutureMe,

stay far far away from those chinese boys. please. you don't deserve them. i mean, they're just chinese afterall. traditions and beliefs and language that just serve as some barrier. it's not going to work out. your past self should know from experience. it wasn't good either. and please stay away from bastards or jerks or asses. i know they can seem attractive at first with all their confidence and self-esteem but don't let their arrogance get the best of you. get to really know who they are like. you are never dating a stranger. never.

digestive system

2010-03-23T05:19:00.000-07:00

we all get a little lost once in a while. that's alright. the important thing is finding your way back.

i need to take time to fix things without disconnecting myself from the rest of the world. it's hard but i feel that i will lose myself all the more without something to hold on. maybe over the summer.

you said to promise you to always go for what is challenging and never settle for the old ways. more than what i want to do in life, or what next step i should take, or what academic load that is thrown at me, what is challenging for me now is finding myself. even i can't really say what is or what is not me. i just know it's not the same. it's only when you're finally out of high school that you realize the values it has imprinted and just how much of servant-leadership is in my system for me to ever forget. it's like if you asked me describe to you what a leader is, the first thing that will pop into my mind is servant. it's that ingrained in me that it feel like i am incomplete without it. and that's how i feel now. incomplete. it's not that i am unhappy with not content with where i am right now, there's just something i need to do more. it's not even for my own personal gain anymore; it's really because i feel the need to give back, i feel the need to serve, like i have always done.

i will keep my promise. :)

and they say -

2010-03-16T06:47:00.001-07:00

miss.

i'll always have more to say

2010-03-15T06:43:00.000-07:00

you do some things right. like being a good influence. i'll be really surprised if things work.

if we ever meet again

2010-03-11T03:57:00.000-08:00

i lied. i didn't think i was lying that time. but i wasn't being completely honest either. i made a mistake. and all i can do is wait and see if it can be fixed or not.

question that's been going through my mind

2010-03-07T04:17:00.000-08:00

I saw this on Facebook a couple of minutes ago - You know the Greeks didn't write obituaries. They only asked one question after a man died: "Did he have passion?"

you're doing it again. and you got me hooked.

bored

2010-02-21T22:42:00.000-08:00

i am bored. so bored that i don't even know what to do. i did absolutely nothing this weekend but bum around, eat, watch a couple of movies and eat some more. i have very little homework due this week but i can't even get myself to start. i constantly need to work. sometimes i would complain when i'm all stressed, but i'd rather be stressed and busy then bored and unproductive. i like the rush i get whenever i have a new project or something to work on. now, nothing. so what's my point? nothing really.

oh and my period really turns me into some eating machine. not good when the "biggest party in the metro" is coming up this saturday.

this door is always open

2010-02-06T19:57:00.000-08:00

i got caught. but it was worth going to fight night. from the two-plus-hour car ride with anaj and butch (and getting lost a million times even if the two of them have been there already) to late night good fun with nothing but alcohol and a camera. these people really make me feel at home wherever i am. :)

after last night's "talk", i realized that you're never sure where you're going to end up but you just have to keep on trying. i hope things work out.

looking the other way

2010-02-05T05:32:00.000-08:00

january was a very uneventful month. i spent part of new year's alone, my weekends were dull, midterms stress was just stressful. minus valentine's day, i think february will turn out to be better. even chinese new year looks fun.

sdjgfboiwjdbfg

2010-01-26T04:43:00.000-08:00

shit okay do no talk to me when i'm in this shitty mood. you make me want to hate everyone i see. i fucked up my mbb exam and i come home to a screaming mother. it's a shit day. then just shit okay you make everything worse by just existing in my crazy world. don't mess with my shit and i won't give a fuck about yours.

cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out

2010-01-19T02:59:00.001-08:00

I FEEL SO FREEEEEEE.

okay, that probably made me sound like some heartless bitch, but i feel so much lighter now that i've said it and i was finally honest. i really think things turned out better after. while i expected everything to turn downhill or turn awkward after, it's like things went in a completely opposite direction. i mean, we both never felt so comfortable until that moment. even you said it.

but if there was one thing i regret about this entire thing, it strangely has nothing to do with you, it was telling others. i know they would eventually find out, but as much as possible i didn't want it to come from me. i wanted to AVOID talking about it, at least for now. i made a decision and i want to stick to it, but i feel like talking to other people would either confuse me or make me regret it. i knew that telling others would make me really FEEL like some heartless bitch. i thought i'd finally be liberated, and i was, but not completely because of other people's constant reminders of what a bitch i am (i.e. someone just told me to stop talking him and another person told me that he felt the pain of it and sort of announces it to the whole world via facebook). i know it's all a joke, and reactions earlier were probably exaggerated (or at least all those jaw drops of disappointment and instant frowns were exaggerated), and i shouldn't take any of their reactions seriously, but i don't know, i couldn't help but feel bad, even just the slightest bit. it made me feel bad about what i did and the fact that i hurt more than one person because i was being selfish. i don't know, i'd probably take back all of this one day and just look back and laugh. but i really just wanted this to be between you and me. i didn't want to involve anyone else. i didn't want anyone else to really know. but it's my fault too, i started to talk when i knew i shouldn't have. i should just kept my mouth shut.

but it's done. this blog is my only perfect excuse to talk about it, but either than that, let's please never bring it up ever again.

shawty's like a melody in my head

2010-01-15T18:11:00.000-08:00

after feeling so eehh this whole week, i've never felt so confident to just do something. (and i swear it's not because of alcohol.) like there's so many things i want to do next sem, so many things i want to change. it's not that i have everything planned, or like we discussed in english 11, that we choose to follow our "script in life" but i just definitely know i want to change and be more of myself at the same time. is that even possible, i wouldn't know til i get there. the thought just excites me and motivates me.

note to self: play sports more often. exercise produces endorphins. endorphins make you happy. therefore, exercise makes you happy.

and one frequency will forever be in my heart for special reasons. here's to many more future renumans. so much love. ♥

so where do we go from here

2010-01-12T01:05:00.000-08:00

my mom and i were talking about my cousin who always has a new girlfriend every couple of months or so. it's not that he's chik boy. it's not like he cheats or double-times his girls. when one thing doesn't work out, he just moves on really fast and anothes one follows before you could hear news about his break-up. so i asked him one time why he does that. i asked him that even if he knows that 90% of his relationships aren't anything serious or won't end up anywhere in the future, why does he still pursue them or why does he pour so much time and energy for these kinds of things. i expected some really long complicated answer about his feelings or about his ego, but he simply said that he just needs someone to inspire him. he needs someone to motivate him and make him a better person. he doesn't think much about the future or why he's jumping into something so quickly. he doesn't think about it at all. he just does it cause it makes me feel good for the moment.

sometimes i envy him. i thought planning and thinking about things would be the wiser step. like eventually i'd realize that i'd be happier. but if it's a question of happiness, i don't think i can confidently say that i'm any happier.

sometimes i wish that it would just happen. without thought or any worry in the world, i could just ALLOW myself to let it happen. but i think i'm too much of myself for it to ever happen now or at least in the near future.

he asked me the same thing twice

2010-01-09T16:30:00.000-08:00

i believe my last major event of the sem for jma is finally over. (not really counting app proj and delibs.) it even feels like the sem is over too and there's nothing much left. i feel like 2010 will be such a dull year for me. at least compared to 2009. i had SO MUCH to look forward to last year, and it was such an epic year with scop, high school graduation, summer, becoming legal, starting college, joining my first org, etc. there was just so much. i envy those who are so optimistic about their 2010 with so many things to look forward to. with my 2010, there's hardly anything. i can't even say i'm looking forward to summer cause i'm planning to take summer class. sure, there's a few things here and there, like my birthday for example, but generally i'm just going to be studying, working, stressing myself and become a 19 year old sophomore. like i said, dull.

i hope i'm wrong. because if not, it's going to be a really long year.

edit;
then i looked back on my year 2009 entry. and i realized if there's one thing i can really look forward to in 2010, it would be this - change.

that totally sounded like an obama campaign haha. but it's true, true.

there was always that

2010-01-03T05:39:00.000-08:00

first post of the year and guess what, i'm going to be selfish this once and say that i have a right to be happy.

year 2009

2009-12-30T18:14:00.001-08:00

if i could choose one photo for every month in the year 2009, it would go like this.

january
when i learned the word EPIC.

february
when i just let myself go, completely.

march
when i learned to say goodbye.

april
when roadtrips, sunblock, grass and foodtrips became my bestfriend.

may
when i saw another side of the world.

june
when i realized how truly lucky i am.

july
when i met the ultimate threat (whom i conquered later on).

august
when i let myself go, but in a far different way than i could ever imagine.

september
when i realized that high school is actually forever.

october
when i realized that college could possibly also be forever.

november
when i began work with my second family.

december
when i look back at my year and be thankful for all those nights i will remember.

it was a good year, no, an amazing year, despite the few regrets i still have. but hey, it's time to move on. it's 2010 already.

because we like to party hard

2009-12-22T16:04:00.000-08:00

at 2 in the morning, i texted: "the post-hit feeling i have now feels so much uhm happier compared to post-hit after jma parties or whatever. i don't know, what does that tell you."

he texted back: "well, then now i guess you know how you really feel. :D"

true, i know how i feel about two things. first, about you, i'm starting the year right by telling you off. i don't know when or how and i don't know what's going to happen after (i just hope it doesn't shatter our barkada) but i know now that i have to. i just never really liked you enough.

secondly, about the best friends i'll ever had. if i could replay last night over and over again i would. i can just be myself and have a good time. i don't have to worry about what i look like or how i act because all 17 of you don't care. laglagan na last night and yet all we could do was laugh it off. so to the best barkada in the world (i am biased), particularly to my three non-judging bestfriends, i would take a million shots for all of you, even if that leaves me piss ass drunk lying all over the place.

oh christmas 09, you make me happy.

on that stable bed

2009-12-17T16:45:00.000-08:00

oh and i've made up my mind. i will find the right time to tell you in your face what i should have said long ago. but i don't know when that right time is. i can't tell you now cause it's christmas. and i'm scared to tell you within the school year because we are forced to work together. and even when the school year is over, i'm still worried that telling you might ruin our barkada now. so if you think about, there's never really a right time. but i have to. i think at some point, i have a right to be selfish. besides, i don't think i've been anything close to a lover. i've always been the heartbreaker. i'm cold like that. and i guess that's what i'm about to do again, as much as i hate doing it. this is obviously proof that i should not have anyone just yet. i don't like being pulled down cause that's how i always feel. so i've finally placed a "standard" on when i think i'm ready - when i meet someone who can push me up rather than bring me down, i know i can finally settle. but until then, i'll just be me.

what happens at the party

2009-12-17T16:27:00.000-08:00

i want to be able to say one day when i grow old that late nights with your barkada in college make up for all the crap and stress you go through, particularly that one late night on dencio's roofdeck overlooking the village lights with nothing but sisig, drinks and friends. it's been an amazing week so far. usually my last week before christmas is always filled with stress because of high school exams. but for the first time, it just feels good to be in school (because i actually do enjoy being in school) but having absolutely nothing to worry about. just a lot of freecuts, takas trips and no apparent reasons to stay late. then there's still lantern parade and a couple more christmas parties to look forward to.
good times are forever.

at first, when i see you cry

2009-12-14T03:53:00.000-08:00

but if you're scared it only means you want to take the chance but you're just not sure. no one is ever ready, only we can tell ourselves when we are ready to make the biggest decision of our life. TRUE STORY ;)

since when did facebook start giving really good advice?

you can't always get what you want

2009-12-13T05:08:00.000-08:00

i need to stop proving that i CAN, because maybe i just really can't. i think i'd be happier if i stopped trying. get it into your head please - NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU ARE FINE THE WAY YOU ARE. and you don't need any guy to tell you that.

you can't always get what you want
but if you try sometimes, you just might find
you get what you need

push it one more time

2009-12-07T15:13:00.000-08:00

i'm supposed be doing my homework for later, but screw it, i just want to say that i'm glad it's OVER. this weekend was tiring, physically and mentally. but even if i sound so selfish for saying this, it felt soooo good to hear all those "congrats" and "good job" remarks. it's like my fuel to continue.

don't stop, make it pop

2009-12-05T17:11:00.000-08:00

i'm proud to be a red titan.

even if i totally screwed us over for mr and mrs bacbacan. and played the most intense volleyball game in my life. best out of 5 but we played all the way til the finish and lost by a few points to the "golden centaurs". even i don't know how we survived 11 sets of death. my arms were ready to give up already since they're so bruised and sore, not to mention my left contact fell out of my eye in the middle of a game so i had to rush to the bathroom. but whatever, next year. watch out for it. gaganti din ako haha.

p.s. it's my "event" tomorrow and i'm nervous as hell.

if you want to go somewhere

2009-12-03T04:28:00.000-08:00

it's coming back. i'm starting to think you're a hassle again. you know why, because it was always for the wrong reasons. from the very start, i don't think i picked a reason good enough to keep it hanging.

ironically, just a few hours ago, i was so ready to tell you in front of your face already that i actually like you.

and i can see

2009-11-29T03:31:00.000-08:00

You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy, can't remember
when I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

why the internet sucks

2009-11-28T19:16:00.000-08:00

facebook is officially the source of all evil. if you do not want to sin, do not check facebook. not only is it a major distraction, it shows you things you don't want to see. i wish i just never opened it.

emotional shit again

2009-11-28T04:14:00.000-08:00

here i go again hating you.

sadly, i don't even have any real reason for hating you except for the fact that you and me just don't get along the way we're supposed to.

-

thank you for not letting me go through this emotional shit alone. i don't know how much more gay we can get by writing anonymous blog entries to each other.

i sing i swim

2009-11-23T04:11:00.000-08:00

i will tell you honestly. if you ask me right now, at this very moment, i would say yes.

i can't promise i would say the same thing the next time around.

you can just call me

2009-11-21T04:53:00.000-08:00

"...everything's out there, all the feelings, that's better right?"

i didn't know i could actually pick up something from glee. with all the crap i've been going through this week, that final song hit me hard. i may not have a group of amazingly talented singing friends but i do have friends who care, and that's enough for me. :)

you really got a hold of me

2009-11-20T15:32:00.000-08:00

in reference to what i wrote not so long ago, i finally found the word for it. i never knew such a word even existed:

i guess that's why i have this fear, this fear to never get attached to anything, to never love anybody or anything fully. why? because i know i will lose them if i will.

but you know what, last night was the first time in a long time that i didn't feel scared. it felt good to be with you. i hope i'm doing it right.

i wish it was you

2009-11-18T04:06:00.001-08:00

why do you disappear when i need you the most?

edit: i think the heavens heard me. thank you. :)

walking on sunshine

2009-11-08T02:21:00.000-08:00

here's the deal.

last night was crazy. and somewhat expected too. but hey, i think i'm getting better at handling these things, or maybe it's just because i'm kind of used to it already, or maybe because my perspective of things has changed. perspective? who are you kidding? just say it - feelings. fine, i said it. whatever the reason is, i didn't hate it as much when i woke up compared to how much i hated it before. as usual, i talked to people. and as usual, i thought about it. then that was when my moment of revelation came - i should really stop thinking about it. not that i've diverted from the track i already set myself on. yes, i still don't want anything. but now i think i'm more open. i used to think about things too much, and how everything must fit into how i wanted it be. but i can't remember the last time i just stopped thinking and let things just happen.

it's so funny how my main concern was just how i look to other people. seriously, why should i even care? but honestly, it's harder said than done. sometimes i can't help but care. well, the only conclusion i can come up with now is that i have to try.

so here i am. and i decided to give you a shot. no judgements, no biases, no anything. i'm actually going to give you a real chance. let's both hope that it works for the both of us. and let me be honest (though i will never really tell you that's why i'm writing it down here), this is a big leap for ME. i hope i made the right decision to trust you.

it's always that part of me

2009-11-05T02:11:00.001-08:00

i think i have this sickness that when i fall in love with something to much, it will NEVER last. it may stay for weeks, months, years even. but when the hype is gone, it's gone forever. i guess that's why i have this fear, this fear to never get attached to anything, to never love anybody or anything fully. why? because i know i will lose them if i will. that's probably why i never cry over things, or get emotional about anything, because i was never really attached to them in the first place. i lost someone i loved so much once before. i'm not sure anything can be more painful than that. whether consciously or not, i choose not to give myself fully because of fear of losing myself. i don't know if i can do anything about it. it's sad, but it's the truth.

where in the world

2009-10-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

REGRET.
sadly, this word will never keep hauting me.

i had finals the next day. the promise was i finish studying and i find a ride and i'd be allowed. that simple. i was even suprised that i was allowed given it was a sunday and finals for the next two days and the fact that i asked only on the day itself. so i studied for six or seven hours straight and did what i could. but at around six i decided not to go because it didn't seem right. i think i was traumatized by math17 that i never wanted to do anything i would regret later when i see my grades. a party over a permanent mark in my transcript? it makes me sound like such a dork but something as simple as this already questions how i look at life, or what i proritize in life. but i needed a break. i needed to see my friends, especially those i haven't seen in over a month. i needed to stop studying and get out of the house. i hate being called a ditcher. three different people have called me that in one weekend already and i hate it. it makes me feel like such a bad friend. on the onset, choosing studies over friends sounds like the right decision to make, and i can't please everyone so might as well. so i told them i couldn't go, didn't touch my phone and continued studying.

i was ready to give in for the night. it was past 10pm and i decided to let go of all my notes and readings. i was slowly falling asleep that i didn't realize that i had like five missed calls already. on the sixth call, i answered and at the same time my mom comes in the room yelling why the hell do i have boys in my lobby looking for me. apparently they were on the phone. they left the party just to pick me up. when i told them i couldn't go to the party, they asked me if i could at least go down to see them. but with a yelling mother, and a frustrated self for probably having made the wrong decision, i hid under my blanket and stayed there.

if making the right decision is supposed to make you feel good, then why do i still feel bad?

how dramatic. i'll probably get over this by tomorrow. but i don't understand how the most superficial things in life can make you feel the worst.

sembreak, babawi ako. wait for it.

and my laptop is slowly dying. wednesday i am rushing this for repair. :(

use your love tonight

2009-10-14T22:46:00.000-07:00

q: since when did math become such a problem for me?
a: since rodrigo entered my life. :((

you cannot imagine how happy i would be just to PASS math 17 under rodrigo. get me drunk, i don't even care, just let me get at least a 3 in his class. but finals was so iffy. i can't tell if i feel good about it or not. i definitely won't get high, but is it enough to get 3? i have to wait until october 20 to find out.

in the mean time, to APPLY OR NOT APPLY? i've been telling people to apply everytime they ask me if they should, but now i don't know if I should now. i don't know if i can handle it.

welcome to the best

2009-10-12T06:05:00.000-07:00

I FEEL AT HOME.
INTERNALS THE BEST.

let's do this

2009-10-11T02:54:00.000-07:00

app process is finally done. i really can't believe it's been an entire sem since i first met this set of crazy people. and talk about unexpected. i don't think a single blog entry can ever summarize what i learned, felt, realized, or experienced from this entire app process. whether or not i get in, i don't regret joining this onefrequency batch.

L: i'm proud of you

best feeling in the world, whatever the outcome would be. :)

after that EPIC october 10 (video making til the sun rose, studied for econ exam when the sun rose, econ exam, children's party app proj, final interviews in econ bldg, and katrina's wild surprise birthday), it's time to FOCUS. i need to tell myself to ace all those exams, especially math 17. LET'S DO THIS. YES. AND THERE AIN'T NO STOPPING. EVERYDAY I SEE MY DREAM.

then here comes sembreak. let me go through this stress ride as an ugly cow with huge eyebags and big shirt outfits then i'll be back. wait for it.

EDIT: i just need to PASS math 17 and i'm good. KAYANG KAYA PLEASE.

maybe we were never meant to get that far

2009-10-06T06:39:00.000-07:00

i realized that there are two "like" patterns that exist in my life.

pattern A:
i see a possible person that i can like.
i try to get their attention in the least obvious way possible.
i find out what i can about that person.
i hang out with him.
i find out that i'm growing to like him.
so i hang out with him more.
i start getting hints that he might like me back, but that's probably just the optimistic side in me.
then boom before you know it, he admits that he likes me.
i get kilig for say a few days.
then boom before you know it, i wake up one moring and realize that i can't like him for so and so reasons.
for days and weeks, i get so fickle-minded and indecisive about my feelings. one day i like him, the next day i don't.
then boom i wake up one morning and finally decide that it's time to let go.
but now for the hard part - how to tell him.
i try to let my actions speak but sometimes it's not enough.
so boom, i tell him and inevitably hurt his feelings.
we try to become friends but it lasts only for a while.
then we just drift apart completely, with the occasionally greeting during birthdays or saying what's up once in a while or just not talking at all.

or pattern B:
i see a possible person that i can like.
i try to get their attention in the least obvious way possible.
i find out what i can about that person.
then i realize that he's just too perfect, too out of reach.
i still try but he's either a) taken, b) manhid, c) really out of reach or d) chinese.
so i just watch you from a far and like you from afar.
then it dies down when i find some other perfect guy to shower my attention to.

analysis:
pattern A happened a lot. TWICE on the same person. i believe it was worse the second time around. and it's happening again now.

pattern B happened a lot too. but it just always ends up the same - SAWI.

conclusion:
maybe i'm not meant to like anybody.
at least not yet.
how depressing. :(

there's nothing else i can say

2009-09-26T05:09:00.000-07:00

she's just too perfect. i'm sorry i can't be like her.

I'M JEALOUS OKAY. THERE I SAID IT.

2009-09-08T06:09:00.000-07:00

I WILL WRITE ABOUT THIS EPIC DAY SOME OTHER TIME.

friends forever

2009-09-06T07:03:00.001-07:00

i really think we'll be seeing each other many many years from now.
friends forever. ♥
besides, true test of friendship happens when you know can change outfits in front of each other in one big room with one large mirror.
thank you alpha q, isang dakilang barkada for a great night at mia's and for rocking that cotillion dance. :>

everyday i see my dream

2009-09-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

i've always wondered what it feels like to think at the edge. i want to know how it feels like to just let go. but i'm always too scared. i'm hoping you'd help me.

quote

2009-08-21T04:02:00.000-07:00

"Why would I cry over a boy? I would never waste my tears on a boy. Why waste your tears on someone who makes you cry?"

— Kirsten Dunst

i take one step away

2009-08-20T23:04:00.000-07:00

you know what, i really refuse to be bothered by you or any boy for that matter. it's only been less than 24 hours since i made those posts and statements from last night, but i care too much about myself that i don't want something as shallow and as small as that to bother me, at least not now. life is good. why should i insist on complicating things. i am happy where i am now. i love my family and my friends. not really my grades, but it is in all these things that i find enough motivation to get me through things.

i am not closing the door completely nor am i saying goodbye. it's just more of wait. i've come to realize that i like being single and free. i want to explore and have fun without the excess baggage and chains. single forever? who cares what other people think. i'll do things in my own time. if the right guy comes at the right time, i won't say no. but right now, i won't force a piece to fit if it doesn't belong in the puzzle.

yes, i will allow my heart to go and fall in love. just not right now.

dead stars, yeah. :))

thinking

2009-08-20T05:25:00.000-07:00

i'll say it now. i miss late night chats and a reason to feel happy over the most shallow things you say.

just a thought

2009-08-20T05:17:00.001-07:00

i'm starting to think. maybe it's a sign telling me that i'm not meant to be alone. that maybe it's okay to let my heart go and fall in love, you know.

kat&lianca, thank you for surprising me today. i never thought i'd see you guys waiting outside with a huge patrick star balloon and 4 chocolate cakes (such pigs tsk tsk) haha. but yeah, today was exactly what i needed. thanks for making me feel better. :D

i'm tired of holding this inside my head

2009-08-19T04:46:00.000-07:00

fuck the drama. i didn't choose to become a part of this but i am. and there's nothing i can do about it. i wish it could be about anything else. school, friends, family, even boys for all i care. but it's not. and there's nothing i can do about it but go through. i hate the fact that i can't talk to anyone else about this.

on the brightside, guess who got her license today? :> five long hours just waiting in LTO but at least it's finally over. my driver just left me there and came back for me when i was done. :| i couldn't eat or go to the bathroom the entire time. but good news is, i wasn't raped or stolen from. i bumped into 3 familiar faces too while i was there.

jealousy is the one of the worst feelings in the world. it can cause you to sin like a hundred times more than the usual.

p.s. i need to stay as far away from you as possible.

party everyday, party everyday

2009-08-13T06:29:00.000-07:00

okay so apparently, i was just going through my-life-is-miserable kind of days. until this morning, the bad vibes were following me. i arrived extra early in cal (arriving before the gate opens in cal is kind of sad), i left my phone in the car (karma for texting while driving), at the start of class we did not have electricity, i went around cal to look for someone who had kat's number, or mara luna's actually. i was so sad and so desperate that i spent for two jeepney fares to rush to alumni center right after eng 12 to catch sina kat for pe, but failed. so i went to econ library and drowned in my sorrows. i couldn't focus on reading the plague, the most dragging novel ever written.

then i think the minute maid suddenly turned everything around. just as i was about to leave since i couldn't focus anyway, kelvin comes. though his phone is currently missing a "clear" button, i was able to text kat for lunch after. i was able to read a good deal of the novel too. then i got my highest score yet in duckpin bowling - 94. 1 strike and 1 spare. yes. "lucky day mo ngayon ha." and "magmodel ka. kaya pala ang poised mo." oh oh oh. then went to casaa. i thought it'd be alone then i bumped into a couple. but then someone called me away from being a third wheel and i stayed there. good lunch, good lunch.

math was the absolute cherry. i think that was the fastest math class i have ever had. i laughed til i cried as rodrigo's attempted joke. you have to admit, the way he said it was funny. the rest of the day was okay.

but i think i've got the drive back. or at least i hope i got it back.

p.s. you know i've had a good day when i actually "blog" about it instead of being so general and vague like i usually do when i blog haha.

turned off

2009-08-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

today's realization:
when it gets turned off, it gets turned off forever.

i never thought it would bother me like this before. i'm 18 and i thought i would be able to accept it by now. but really, i was never ready to face family issues. more than acads, extra-currics, friends or just plain pressure, nothing can make me feel as stressed the way family problems do. sadly, it's not your common family problem. i can't even complain or tell anyone about it. it's like some secret. no one will understand, and no one can side with me. unconsciously, maybe that's why i've been so down.

at times like these, i just really need my good friends.

good talk, good walk today. it felt good to watch a soccer game in the sunken garden. then i just lost myself again.

majorly depressed

2009-08-10T06:11:00.001-07:00

i'm majorly depressed and it's not even funny. i thought maybe certain things or people would cheer me up, or make me smile even, but no, it didn't work. what is wrong with me.

i miss cara and maia.

you're a bitter loser

2009-08-09T21:47:00.000-07:00

sometimes i really wish i had much better things to do. i think i've been in such a sulky mood these past few days because 1) i haven't been out this weekend, at all and 2) there is nothing due this week for me to study or cram. this leaves me with one option: doing absolutely nothing. i have not had a real conversation with a friend since friday. the closest thing i have had to socials is probably facebook, but that doesn't really count. i've been trying to de-tach myself since friday night but it hasn't been working, obviously. this weekend seems so long when you really don't have anything to do. i probably sound like some insecure loner but i really think it's the effect of college. it got me so used to seeing friends almost every day. while it can be fun, i know it's not really a good thing. i used to be content to be spending a day at home, just to rest after a long week at school but now, i'm just itching to go out.

well, i had to make a decision. it was either this week or next week.

edit one week later: the despe was a good decision.

ever constant, ever changing

2009-08-09T21:39:00.000-07:00

i was so ready to delete my last blogger, but decided against it. despite the crazy crap it's full of, there were still a lot of good memories in there, somewhere. summer memories mostly. so i'm starting again, hoping i sound more like me than someone else in this blog. i always end up worrying if i sound like a pretentious whore if i talk about my "boy drama" too much. or that i might sound like crazy grade conscious kid who has no other life but school with my constant rants. or that i may just be not interesting enough. past all that, i'm just all for being completely honest now. i'm in college and i think i have a life, so why not try again.