this feeling called hurt

ever since things started to go downhill for us, i said i'll allow myself to be sad and accept the hurt rather than deny it and pretend that i'm going to be okay. it's been months and i won't deny that every time i see or hear you, every single time i do, i still get hurt. sometimes i tell myself to get over it, have some dignity and stop feeling this way. maybe if i tried to tell my emotions to stop messing up then i'd be better. but it's not that simple. hurt is a very stubborn feeling. so instead, i chose to hide my hurt through anger and frustration especially when i see you with other girls. but when you talk to me, it's like every reason i had for hating you goes away. i don't understand it. all the "i miss talking to you" and "remember the time this happened" and most especially those "but i know you" lines kill me. and it kills me even more to know that we would have never worked out yet i allowed myself to feel this way. i swear, if i could take all his hurt and put it inside some box and throw it away in the sea never to return again, i would. i've never been hurt this way before.

and that's when it hit me, i loved you. looking back at everything, i honestly don't understand why, i just know i did. and on those few times we get to spend a few minutes alone to talk, i start to realize that maybe i still do love you. i really still do.

i just want to be happy again. that's all i've ever wanted. please allow me at least that.

the truth

I want to let you go so bad but I can't. It's so painful that the only solution left is to wait.

nights like these

i'm really sorry i'm not good enough.

ultimate BV

i am so mad right now that this might sound so stupid to write about but since i think no one (or hardly anyone) reads this anyway, might as well let it out. this would probably be gone in a few days.

1. it is not my fault that stupid bagyo didn't hit manila. don't get me wrong, i am thankful that it left and didn't do any harm to anyone here but seriously, couldn't you have made your weather predictions a bit clearer. this is so mababaw but coordinating all the way from another country to fix this up is no easy thing. then you made me panic about carpool and made me beg like how many people just find. then made me even ask my parents who were furious about letting me even go in the first place. i was just going to make takas everything for this AND THEN, it was my call to cancel it AND THEN, that's when the storm decides to go away. and now, i can't find any time anymore to resched because i'm leaving and school is about to start.

2. i was lazy, yes. but because i wanted to be a nice friend, i said yes to going anyway. then when i finally reply, you make me rush into getting ready. which i did and which stressed me out too btw because i ended up accidentally cutting my finger since i was in such a hurry. then as i go down the elevator, you call me and tell me that it was freaking moved. so fine, never mind. but i was there already so i went with you anyway and five minutes into the car ride, we both decided we're tamad and we just go back home. perfection.

3. okay so you told me to plan it. but i'm lazy and honestly, it's more of i really don't care right now. i'm on an all time low right now and this whole thing is the last thing i want to prioritize in my life, even if i sadly have to. so i'm trying everything to avoid it. EVERYTHING I TELL YOU. but so many obligations and people i will let down if ever. but there are times like right now that I ABSOLUTELY DON'T CARE. and then all of a sudden, ~YOU~ (a different you btw) post on fb trying to rub it in my face, you don't think i notice. then ~YOU~ (another person) comment on that post as if you could have done a better job. and then ~YOU~ (again another person) add to make everything worse by doing something that i should be doing and was told to do but since i've decided to ignore it, you'll go ahead and do it. okay, everything sounds so vague but basically, i decided to not care and suddenly, i'm feeling bad for not caring when someone else decides to do your job and care. sounds stupid, especially since i don't care. but since i'm writing about this right now, i obviously do care. LORD WHY DO I NOT CARE. AND WHY DOES EVERYTHING LOOK LIKE I'M MY FAULT.

I'M SORRY OKAY. i'm sorry i've been making wrong calls and i'm sorry i've not been caring enough. and i'm sorry because i think that this whole thing was a mistake. i'm not that person and i can't be that person. i think i care too much for myself and what i want to do. and even if i realized that right now, i don't feel like changing myself just for that. maybe for other things, yes. but right now, i'm at a low and i just don't care.

i am so dead when the school starts and i just pray that this whole thing i'm feeling disappears and i pray i will regret everything i ever wrote here.

it's really all my fault and i'm ashamed. :(

true story

good things come to those who wait.

i'd lie

never thought a boy would make me cry so hard. i guess i was wrong. this is definitely one for the books.

it's the experience

this week i learned to never ever ever take your friends for granted. especially since they're pretty much the closest thing i have to a family now. it's been another tough week, but i'm really thankful for the friends who helped me go through it and give me a reason to smile each time. this sounds awfully cheesy but this is just a self-reminder that even at the hardest times, there will always been people who care, whether or not you realize it. and there will always be a reason to be happy and enjoy, just try looking at the bright side more often.

plus why would you waste your college wearing a sour face most of the time. it's not the grades or achievements that you'll remember about college. you'll remember the feelings and the friends and the good times.