it's the experience

this week i learned to never ever ever take your friends for granted. especially since they're pretty much the closest thing i have to a family now. it's been another tough week, but i'm really thankful for the friends who helped me go through it and give me a reason to smile each time. this sounds awfully cheesy but this is just a self-reminder that even at the hardest times, there will always been people who care, whether or not you realize it. and there will always be a reason to be happy and enjoy, just try looking at the bright side more often.

plus why would you waste your college wearing a sour face most of the time. it's not the grades or achievements that you'll remember about college. you'll remember the feelings and the friends and the good times.

after the day is done

okay, fine. so honestly i didn't want it THAT badly. but the only reason i felt bad was because it was a blow to my pride. i've never NOT been accepted or NOT get any position i wanted, until now. a complete waste of day, but i did learn that:

1. failure exists in life, ESPECIALLY IN UP. (no wonder they say that UP is the best teacher, not just in terms of academics.)
2. you can't always get what you want
3. once in a while you fail, only to get better
4. once in a while you have to humble yourself
5. if your heart is not in it, don't even bother

this door is always open

i got caught. but it was worth going to fight night. from the two-plus-hour car ride with anaj and butch (and getting lost a million times even if the two of them have been there already) to late night good fun with nothing but alcohol and a camera. these people really make me feel at home wherever i am. :)

after last night's "talk", i realized that you're never sure where you're going to end up but you just have to keep on trying. i hope things work out.

looking the other way

january was a very uneventful month. i spent part of new year's alone, my weekends were dull, midterms stress was just stressful. minus valentine's day, i think february will turn out to be better. even chinese new year looks fun.

what happens at the party

i want to be able to say one day when i grow old that late nights with your barkada in college make up for all the crap and stress you go through, particularly that one late night on dencio's roofdeck overlooking the village lights with nothing but sisig, drinks and friends. it's been an amazing week so far. usually my last week before christmas is always filled with stress because of high school exams. but for the first time, it just feels good to be in school (because i actually do enjoy being in school) but having absolutely nothing to worry about. just a lot of freecuts, takas trips and no apparent reasons to stay late. then there's still lantern parade and a couple more christmas parties to look forward to.
good times are forever.

use your love tonight

q: since when did math become such a problem for me?
a: since rodrigo entered my life. :((

you cannot imagine how happy i would be just to PASS math 17 under rodrigo. get me drunk, i don't even care, just let me get at least a 3 in his class. but finals was so iffy. i can't tell if i feel good about it or not. i definitely won't get high, but is it enough to get 3? i have to wait until october 20 to find out.

in the mean time, to APPLY OR NOT APPLY? i've been telling people to apply everytime they ask me if they should, but now i don't know if I should now. i don't know if i can handle it.

let's do this

app process is finally done. i really can't believe it's been an entire sem since i first met this set of crazy people. and talk about unexpected. i don't think a single blog entry can ever summarize what i learned, felt, realized, or experienced from this entire app process. whether or not i get in, i don't regret joining this onefrequency batch.

L: i'm proud of you

best feeling in the world, whatever the outcome would be. :)

after that EPIC october 10 (video making til the sun rose, studied for econ exam when the sun rose, econ exam, children's party app proj, final interviews in econ bldg, and katrina's wild surprise birthday), it's time to FOCUS. i need to tell myself to ace all those exams, especially math 17. LET'S DO THIS. YES. AND THERE AIN'T NO STOPPING. EVERYDAY I SEE MY DREAM.

then here comes sembreak. let me go through this stress ride as an ugly cow with huge eyebags and big shirt outfits then i'll be back. wait for it.

EDIT: i just need to PASS math 17 and i'm good. KAYANG KAYA PLEASE.

i take one step away

you know what, i really refuse to be bothered by you or any boy for that matter. it's only been less than 24 hours since i made those posts and statements from last night, but i care too much about myself that i don't want something as shallow and as small as that to bother me, at least not now. life is good. why should i insist on complicating things. i am happy where i am now. i love my family and my friends. not really my grades, but it is in all these things that i find enough motivation to get me through things.

i am not closing the door completely nor am i saying goodbye. it's just more of wait. i've come to realize that i like being single and free. i want to explore and have fun without the excess baggage and chains. single forever? who cares what other people think. i'll do things in my own time. if the right guy comes at the right time, i won't say no. but right now, i won't force a piece to fit if it doesn't belong in the puzzle.

yes, i will allow my heart to go and fall in love. just not right now.

dead stars, yeah. :))

i'm tired of holding this inside my head

fuck the drama. i didn't choose to become a part of this but i am. and there's nothing i can do about it. i wish it could be about anything else. school, friends, family, even boys for all i care. but it's not. and there's nothing i can do about it but go through. i hate the fact that i can't talk to anyone else about this.

on the brightside, guess who got her license today? :> five long hours just waiting in LTO but at least it's finally over. my driver just left me there and came back for me when i was done. :| i couldn't eat or go to the bathroom the entire time. but good news is, i wasn't raped or stolen from. i bumped into 3 familiar faces too while i was there.

jealousy is the one of the worst feelings in the world. it can cause you to sin like a hundred times more than the usual.


p.s. i need to stay as far away from you as possible.

party everyday, party everyday

okay so apparently, i was just going through my-life-is-miserable kind of days. until this morning, the bad vibes were following me. i arrived extra early in cal (arriving before the gate opens in cal is kind of sad), i left my phone in the car (karma for texting while driving), at the start of class we did not have electricity, i went around cal to look for someone who had kat's number, or mara luna's actually. i was so sad and so desperate that i spent for two jeepney fares to rush to alumni center right after eng 12 to catch sina kat for pe, but failed. so i went to econ library and drowned in my sorrows. i couldn't focus on reading the plague, the most dragging novel ever written.

then i think the minute maid suddenly turned everything around. just as i was about to leave since i couldn't focus anyway, kelvin comes. though his phone is currently missing a "clear" button, i was able to text kat for lunch after. i was able to read a good deal of the novel too. then i got my highest score yet in duckpin bowling - 94. 1 strike and 1 spare. yes. "lucky day mo ngayon ha." and "magmodel ka. kaya pala ang poised mo." oh oh oh. then went to casaa. i thought it'd be alone then i bumped into a couple. but then someone called me away from being a third wheel and i stayed there. good lunch, good lunch.

math was the absolute cherry. i think that was the fastest math class i have ever had. i laughed til i cried as rodrigo's attempted joke. you have to admit, the way he said it was funny. the rest of the day was okay.

but i think i've got the drive back. or at least i hope i got it back.




p.s. you know i've had a good day when i actually "blog" about it instead of being so general and vague like i usually do when i blog haha.

turned off

today's realization:
when it gets turned off, it gets turned off forever.


i never thought it would bother me like this before. i'm 18 and i thought i would be able to accept it by now. but really, i was never ready to face family issues. more than acads, extra-currics, friends or just plain pressure, nothing can make me feel as stressed the way family problems do. sadly, it's not your common family problem. i can't even complain or tell anyone about it. it's like some secret. no one will understand, and no one can side with me. unconsciously, maybe that's why i've been so down.

at times like these, i just really need my good friends.

good talk, good walk today. it felt good to watch a soccer game in the sunken garden. then i just lost myself again.

you're a bitter loser

sometimes i really wish i had much better things to do. i think i've been in such a sulky mood these past few days because 1) i haven't been out this weekend, at all and 2) there is nothing due this week for me to study or cram. this leaves me with one option: doing absolutely nothing. i have not had a real conversation with a friend since friday. the closest thing i have had to socials is probably facebook, but that doesn't really count. i've been trying to de-tach myself since friday night but it hasn't been working, obviously. this weekend seems so long when you really don't have anything to do. i probably sound like some insecure loner but i really think it's the effect of college. it got me so used to seeing friends almost every day. while it can be fun, i know it's not really a good thing. i used to be content to be spending a day at home, just to rest after a long week at school but now, i'm just itching to go out.

well, i had to make a decision. it was either this week or next week.


edit one week later: the despe was a good decision.