a sembreak conversation

e: ... i can't stop thinking about it.
l: that's your problem.
e: what?
l: you think too much.

e: i tried as many things i could last sem, even to the point of tiring myself out, just hoping i could find it. but still nothing.
l: try focusing on the things you already have before trying new things
e: but i don't know where to start.
l: here's what you do - make a list of things that made you happy last sem and another list of things that made you sad. then for the following sem, focus more on the things that made you happy rather than sad.
e: what if what makes me happy is to make other people happy
l: you can't make everyone happy and you know that.

e: why are you so smart
l: because i don't think too much. i just let things come as they are.
e: unlike me
l: yeah
e: then have you ever wondered why we got along in the first place?
l: yeah, but i guess we have qualities that the other doesn't so we help each other out. you help me think some things through and i help you loosen up a bit. it balances out.

e: ... me too, but i'm scared to say it.
l: there you go again. stop thinking too much about it and say it.

--

thank you sembreak for giving me this chance to rest and get fat. and thank you for giving me advice that made me feel more stupid but at least more free after.

days we live for

and just like that, you had me already.

waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide

okay, so this is how i explained it to you the other night.

i was already in that point where i was so sure of myself and my decision - i didn't want anything that would get in my way. i was already on that maximum point, on the tip of the iceberg, at the highest limit etc etc and i knew had to do it soon.

so you bet that i couldn't tell him. but i did. then for some unexplainable reason, i just realized that all i needed to do was talk to him. i told him i honestly don't think i can meet up with any of his expectations, i can't always be free or expect to always go for it. i said that i had my own things and my own life and those things mean just as much to me to the point where it wasn't about me anymore. so i told him all those things on one car ride home. then he said he completely understands and that he didn't have any expectations at all. zero, none, yeah.

i came home that thinking oh no, he didn't get it. i expected him to be more aggressive and i was scared it would backfire. yes, he was still sure of what he wanted, but the very next day, he found some way to make things easier for me all of a sudden. for one, he stopped being clingy. he let me be and let me do what i wanted. he was able to find that magical boundary between giving me space and being there for me (pia's letter). he stopped with the drama and lessened the bvs. he gave up a lot of ffl just to make things happen. he met my parents. he became a really good friend.

so just when i was at that threshold of letting everything go completely, he managed to pull me back.

even with jma, nyc, acads, family, friends etc etc and other possible reasons or excuses i can think of to tell myself that it won't work, you were right. knowing someone is there for you is a great thing and i shouldn't take that for granted. i'm doing just that.

to where this thing goes in the near future, i have no idea. i haven't had any idea for the past year. all i know is now and just a night of nothing but gvs. :)

cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out

I FEEL SO FREEEEEEE.

okay, that probably made me sound like some heartless bitch, but i feel so much lighter now that i've said it and i was finally honest. i really think things turned out better after. while i expected everything to turn downhill or turn awkward after, it's like things went in a completely opposite direction. i mean, we both never felt so comfortable until that moment. even you said it.

but if there was one thing i regret about this entire thing, it strangely has nothing to do with you, it was telling others. i know they would eventually find out, but as much as possible i didn't want it to come from me. i wanted to AVOID talking about it, at least for now. i made a decision and i want to stick to it, but i feel like talking to other people would either confuse me or make me regret it. i knew that telling others would make me really FEEL like some heartless bitch. i thought i'd finally be liberated, and i was, but not completely because of other people's constant reminders of what a bitch i am (i.e. someone just told me to stop talking him and another person told me that he felt the pain of it and sort of announces it to the whole world via facebook). i know it's all a joke, and reactions earlier were probably exaggerated (or at least all those jaw drops of disappointment and instant frowns were exaggerated), and i shouldn't take any of their reactions seriously, but i don't know, i couldn't help but feel bad, even just the slightest bit. it made me feel bad about what i did and the fact that i hurt more than one person because i was being selfish. i don't know, i'd probably take back all of this one day and just look back and laugh. but i really just wanted this to be between you and me. i didn't want to involve anyone else. i didn't want anyone else to really know. but it's my fault too, i started to talk when i knew i shouldn't have. i should just kept my mouth shut.

but it's done. this blog is my only perfect excuse to talk about it, but either than that, let's please never bring it up ever again.

because we like to party hard

at 2 in the morning, i texted: "the post-hit feeling i have now feels so much uhm happier compared to post-hit after jma parties or whatever. i don't know, what does that tell you."

he texted back: "well, then now i guess you know how you really feel. :D"

true, i know how i feel about two things. first, about you, i'm starting the year right by telling you off. i don't know when or how and i don't know what's going to happen after (i just hope it doesn't shatter our barkada) but i know now that i have to. i just never really liked you enough.

secondly, about the best friends i'll ever had. if i could replay last night over and over again i would. i can just be myself and have a good time. i don't have to worry about what i look like or how i act because all 17 of you don't care. laglagan na last night and yet all we could do was laugh it off. so to the best barkada in the world (i am biased), particularly to my three non-judging bestfriends, i would take a million shots for all of you, even if that leaves me piss ass drunk lying all over the place.


oh christmas 09, you make me happy.

on that stable bed

oh and i've made up my mind. i will find the right time to tell you in your face what i should have said long ago. but i don't know when that right time is. i can't tell you now cause it's christmas. and i'm scared to tell you within the school year because we are forced to work together. and even when the school year is over, i'm still worried that telling you might ruin our barkada now. so if you think about, there's never really a right time. but i have to. i think at some point, i have a right to be selfish. besides, i don't think i've been anything close to a lover. i've always been the heartbreaker. i'm cold like that. and i guess that's what i'm about to do again, as much as i hate doing it. this is obviously proof that i should not have anyone just yet. i don't like being pulled down cause that's how i always feel. so i've finally placed a "standard" on when i think i'm ready - when i meet someone who can push me up rather than bring me down, i know i can finally settle. but until then, i'll just be me.

if you want to go somewhere

it's coming back. i'm starting to think you're a hassle again. you know why, because it was always for the wrong reasons. from the very start, i don't think i picked a reason good enough to keep it hanging.



ironically, just a few hours ago, i was so ready to tell you in front of your face already that i actually like you.

emotional shit again

here i go again hating you.

sadly, i don't even have any real reason for hating you except for the fact that you and me just don't get along the way we're supposed to.

-

thank you for not letting me go through this emotional shit alone. i don't know how much more gay we can get by writing anonymous blog entries to each other.

i sing i swim

i will tell you honestly. if you ask me right now, at this very moment, i would say yes.


i can't promise i would say the same thing the next time around.

you really got a hold of me

in reference to what i wrote not so long ago, i finally found the word for it. i never knew such a word even existed:

i guess that's why i have this fear, this fear to never get attached to anything, to never love anybody or anything fully. why? because i know i will lose them if i will.


but you know what, last night was the first time in a long time that i didn't feel scared. it felt good to be with you. i hope i'm doing it right.

i wish it was you

why do you disappear when i need you the most?


edit: i think the heavens heard me. thank you. :)

walking on sunshine

here's the deal.

last night was crazy. and somewhat expected too. but hey, i think i'm getting better at handling these things, or maybe it's just because i'm kind of used to it already, or maybe because my perspective of things has changed. perspective? who are you kidding? just say it - feelings. fine, i said it. whatever the reason is, i didn't hate it as much when i woke up compared to how much i hated it before. as usual, i talked to people. and as usual, i thought about it. then that was when my moment of revelation came - i should really stop thinking about it. not that i've diverted from the track i already set myself on. yes, i still don't want anything. but now i think i'm more open. i used to think about things too much, and how everything must fit into how i wanted it be. but i can't remember the last time i just stopped thinking and let things just happen.

it's so funny how my main concern was just how i look to other people. seriously, why should i even care? but honestly, it's harder said than done. sometimes i can't help but care. well, the only conclusion i can come up with now is that i have to try.

so here i am. and i decided to give you a shot. no judgements, no biases, no anything. i'm actually going to give you a real chance. let's both hope that it works for the both of us. and let me be honest (though i will never really tell you that's why i'm writing it down here), this is a big leap for ME. i hope i made the right decision to trust you.

there's nothing else i can say

she's just too perfect. i'm sorry i can't be like her.

I'M JEALOUS OKAY. THERE I SAID IT.

I WILL WRITE ABOUT THIS EPIC DAY SOME OTHER TIME.

i take one step away

you know what, i really refuse to be bothered by you or any boy for that matter. it's only been less than 24 hours since i made those posts and statements from last night, but i care too much about myself that i don't want something as shallow and as small as that to bother me, at least not now. life is good. why should i insist on complicating things. i am happy where i am now. i love my family and my friends. not really my grades, but it is in all these things that i find enough motivation to get me through things.

i am not closing the door completely nor am i saying goodbye. it's just more of wait. i've come to realize that i like being single and free. i want to explore and have fun without the excess baggage and chains. single forever? who cares what other people think. i'll do things in my own time. if the right guy comes at the right time, i won't say no. but right now, i won't force a piece to fit if it doesn't belong in the puzzle.

yes, i will allow my heart to go and fall in love. just not right now.

dead stars, yeah. :))

turned off

today's realization:
when it gets turned off, it gets turned off forever.


i never thought it would bother me like this before. i'm 18 and i thought i would be able to accept it by now. but really, i was never ready to face family issues. more than acads, extra-currics, friends or just plain pressure, nothing can make me feel as stressed the way family problems do. sadly, it's not your common family problem. i can't even complain or tell anyone about it. it's like some secret. no one will understand, and no one can side with me. unconsciously, maybe that's why i've been so down.

at times like these, i just really need my good friends.

good talk, good walk today. it felt good to watch a soccer game in the sunken garden. then i just lost myself again.