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e: ... i can't stop thinking about it.
l: that's your problem.
e: what?
l: you think too much.
e: i tried as many things i could last sem, even to the point of tiring myself out, just hoping i could find it. but still nothing.
l: try focusing on the things you already have before trying new things
e: but i don't know where to start.
l: here's what you do - make a list of things that made you happy last sem and another list of things that made you sad. then for the following sem, focus more on the things that made you happy rather than sad.
e: what if what makes me happy is to make other people happy
l: you can't make everyone happy and you know that.
e: why are you so smart
l: because i don't think too much. i just let things come as they are.
e: unlike me
l: yeah
e: then have you ever wondered why we got along in the first place?
l: yeah, but i guess we have qualities that the other doesn't so we help each other out. you help me think some things through and i help you loosen up a bit. it balances out.
e: ... me too, but i'm scared to say it.
l: there you go again. stop thinking too much about it and say it.
--
thank you sembreak for giving me this chance to rest and get fat. and thank you for giving me advice that made me feel more stupid but at least more free after.
after feeling so eehh this whole week, i've never felt so confident to just do something. (and i swear it's not because of alcohol.) like there's so many things i want to do next sem, so many things i want to change. it's not that i have everything planned, or like we discussed in english 11, that we choose to follow our "script in life" but i just definitely know i want to change and be more of myself at the same time. is that even possible, i wouldn't know til i get there. the thought just excites me and motivates me.
note to self: play sports more often. exercise produces endorphins. endorphins make you happy. therefore, exercise makes you happy.
and one frequency will forever be in my heart for special reasons. here's to many more future renumans. so much love. ♥
my mom and i were talking about my cousin who always has a new girlfriend every couple of months or so. it's not that he's chik boy. it's not like he cheats or double-times his girls. when one thing doesn't work out, he just moves on really fast and anothes one follows before you could hear news about his break-up. so i asked him one time why he does that. i asked him that even if he knows that 90% of his relationships aren't anything serious or won't end up anywhere in the future, why does he still pursue them or why does he pour so much time and energy for these kinds of things. i expected some really long complicated answer about his feelings or about his ego, but he simply said that he just needs someone to inspire him. he needs someone to motivate him and make him a better person. he doesn't think much about the future or why he's jumping into something so quickly. he doesn't think about it at all. he just does it cause it makes me feel good for the moment.
sometimes i envy him. i thought planning and thinking about things would be the wiser step. like eventually i'd realize that i'd be happier. but if it's a question of happiness, i don't think i can confidently say that i'm any happier.
sometimes i wish that it would just happen. without thought or any worry in the world, i could just ALLOW myself to let it happen. but i think i'm too much of myself for it to ever happen now or at least in the near future.
in reference to what i wrote not so long ago, i finally found the word for it. i never knew such a word even existed:
i guess that's why i have this fear, this fear to never get attached to anything, to never love anybody or anything fully. why? because i know i will lose them if i will.
but you know what, last night was the first time in a long time that i didn't feel scared. it felt good to be with you. i hope i'm doing it right.
here's the deal.
last night was crazy. and somewhat expected too. but hey, i think i'm getting better at handling these things, or maybe it's just because i'm kind of used to it already, or maybe because my perspective of things has changed. perspective? who are you kidding? just say it - feelings. fine, i said it. whatever the reason is, i didn't hate it as much when i woke up compared to how much i hated it before. as usual, i talked to people. and as usual, i thought about it. then that was when my moment of revelation came - i should really stop thinking about it. not that i've diverted from the track i already set myself on. yes, i still don't want anything. but now i think i'm more open. i used to think about things too much, and how everything must fit into how i wanted it be. but i can't remember the last time i just stopped thinking and let things just happen.
it's so funny how my main concern was just how i look to other people. seriously, why should i even care? but honestly, it's harder said than done. sometimes i can't help but care. well, the only conclusion i can come up with now is that i have to try.
so here i am. and i decided to give you a shot. no judgements, no biases, no anything. i'm actually going to give you a real chance. let's both hope that it works for the both of us. and let me be honest (though i will never really tell you that's why i'm writing it down here), this is a big leap for ME. i hope i made the right decision to trust you.
i realized that there are two "like" patterns that exist in my life.
pattern A:
i see a possible person that i can like.
i try to get their attention in the least obvious way possible.
i find out what i can about that person.
i hang out with him.
i find out that i'm growing to like him.
so i hang out with him more.
i start getting hints that he might like me back, but that's probably just the optimistic side in me.
then boom before you know it, he admits that he likes me.
i get kilig for say a few days.
then boom before you know it, i wake up one moring and realize that i can't like him for so and so reasons.
for days and weeks, i get so fickle-minded and indecisive about my feelings. one day i like him, the next day i don't.
then boom i wake up one morning and finally decide that it's time to let go.
but now for the hard part - how to tell him.
i try to let my actions speak but sometimes it's not enough.
so boom, i tell him and inevitably hurt his feelings.
we try to become friends but it lasts only for a while.
then we just drift apart completely, with the occasionally greeting during birthdays or saying what's up once in a while or just not talking at all.
or pattern B:
i see a possible person that i can like.
i try to get their attention in the least obvious way possible.
i find out what i can about that person.
then i realize that he's just too perfect, too out of reach.
i still try but he's either a) taken, b) manhid, c) really out of reach or d) chinese.
so i just watch you from a far and like you from afar.
then it dies down when i find some other perfect guy to shower my attention to.
analysis:
pattern A happened a lot. TWICE on the same person. i believe it was worse the second time around. and it's happening again now.
pattern B happened a lot too. but it just always ends up the same - SAWI.
conclusion:
maybe i'm not meant to like anybody.
at least not yet.
how depressing. :(
