where in the world

REGRET.
sadly, this word will never keep hauting me.

i had finals the next day. the promise was i finish studying and i find a ride and i'd be allowed. that simple. i was even suprised that i was allowed given it was a sunday and finals for the next two days and the fact that i asked only on the day itself. so i studied for six or seven hours straight and did what i could. but at around six i decided not to go because it didn't seem right. i think i was traumatized by math17 that i never wanted to do anything i would regret later when i see my grades. a party over a permanent mark in my transcript? it makes me sound like such a dork but something as simple as this already questions how i look at life, or what i proritize in life. but i needed a break. i needed to see my friends, especially those i haven't seen in over a month. i needed to stop studying and get out of the house. i hate being called a ditcher. three different people have called me that in one weekend already and i hate it. it makes me feel like such a bad friend. on the onset, choosing studies over friends sounds like the right decision to make, and i can't please everyone so might as well. so i told them i couldn't go, didn't touch my phone and continued studying.

i was ready to give in for the night. it was past 10pm and i decided to let go of all my notes and readings. i was slowly falling asleep that i didn't realize that i had like five missed calls already. on the sixth call, i answered and at the same time my mom comes in the room yelling why the hell do i have boys in my lobby looking for me. apparently they were on the phone. they left the party just to pick me up. when i told them i couldn't go to the party, they asked me if i could at least go down to see them. but with a yelling mother, and a frustrated self for probably having made the wrong decision, i hid under my blanket and stayed there.

if making the right decision is supposed to make you feel good, then why do i still feel bad?

how dramatic. i'll probably get over this by tomorrow. but i don't understand how the most superficial things in life can make you feel the worst.

sembreak, babawi ako. wait for it.

and my laptop is slowly dying. wednesday i am rushing this for repair. :(

maybe we were never meant to get that far

i realized that there are two "like" patterns that exist in my life.

pattern A:
i see a possible person that i can like.
i try to get their attention in the least obvious way possible.
i find out what i can about that person.
i hang out with him.
i find out that i'm growing to like him.
so i hang out with him more.
i start getting hints that he might like me back, but that's probably just the optimistic side in me.
then boom before you know it, he admits that he likes me.
i get kilig for say a few days.
then boom before you know it, i wake up one moring and realize that i can't like him for so and so reasons.
for days and weeks, i get so fickle-minded and indecisive about my feelings. one day i like him, the next day i don't.
then boom i wake up one morning and finally decide that it's time to let go.
but now for the hard part - how to tell him.
i try to let my actions speak but sometimes it's not enough.
so boom, i tell him and inevitably hurt his feelings.
we try to become friends but it lasts only for a while.
then we just drift apart completely, with the occasionally greeting during birthdays or saying what's up once in a while or just not talking at all.

or pattern B:
i see a possible person that i can like.
i try to get their attention in the least obvious way possible.
i find out what i can about that person.
then i realize that he's just too perfect, too out of reach.
i still try but he's either a) taken, b) manhid, c) really out of reach or d) chinese.
so i just watch you from a far and like you from afar.
then it dies down when i find some other perfect guy to shower my attention to.

analysis:
pattern A happened a lot. TWICE on the same person. i believe it was worse the second time around. and it's happening again now.

pattern B happened a lot too. but it just always ends up the same - SAWI.

conclusion:
maybe i'm not meant to like anybody.
at least not yet.
how depressing. :(

there's nothing else i can say

she's just too perfect. i'm sorry i can't be like her.

I'M JEALOUS OKAY. THERE I SAID IT.