if i was stronger than that

i don't know if it's a normal thing to have friends get mad at you every once in a while but since it happened a lot pretty recently, i'm starting to think that it's not normal.

i love my extra-currics. they're not even a lot. but why is it ruining my relationship with everything else? i don't think it's supposed to. it's supposed to de-stress me from crazy acads or keep me on my toes instead of being a bum. and it's doing just that, but more. i used to think it was a problem of having too much. but now i think it's a problem of, i dunno actually. but i think it has something to do with when i'm not feeling something, then i won't do it. that's actually a problem since usually obligations or commitments aren't supposed to be feelings-based, not just concerning work but with relationships, friends, families etc too. apparently, i "feel" org work more than i do with other things. it's like i'm sucked way too much and i can't open up to other things, especially other commitments.

i don't know what to do. i can't stop what i'm doing now. but i don't have any idea how to fix things either. i'm trying. i tried by detaching myself (i.e. away from facebook and phone) but that backfired completely.

so i really hope you won't leave me too.

year 2009

if i could choose one photo for every month in the year 2009, it would go like this.


january
when i learned the word EPIC.


february
when i just let myself go, completely.


march
when i learned to say goodbye.


april
when roadtrips, sunblock, grass and foodtrips became my bestfriend.


may
when i saw another side of the world.


june
when i realized how truly lucky i am.


july
when i met the ultimate threat (whom i conquered later on).


august
when i let myself go, but in a far different way than i could ever imagine.


september
when i realized that high school is actually forever.


october
when i realized that college could possibly also be forever.


november
when i began work with my second family.


december
when i look back at my year and be thankful for all those nights i will remember.



it was a good year, no, an amazing year, despite the few regrets i still have. but hey, it's time to move on. it's 2010 already.

because we like to party hard

at 2 in the morning, i texted: "the post-hit feeling i have now feels so much uhm happier compared to post-hit after jma parties or whatever. i don't know, what does that tell you."

he texted back: "well, then now i guess you know how you really feel. :D"

true, i know how i feel about two things. first, about you, i'm starting the year right by telling you off. i don't know when or how and i don't know what's going to happen after (i just hope it doesn't shatter our barkada) but i know now that i have to. i just never really liked you enough.

secondly, about the best friends i'll ever had. if i could replay last night over and over again i would. i can just be myself and have a good time. i don't have to worry about what i look like or how i act because all 17 of you don't care. laglagan na last night and yet all we could do was laugh it off. so to the best barkada in the world (i am biased), particularly to my three non-judging bestfriends, i would take a million shots for all of you, even if that leaves me piss ass drunk lying all over the place.


oh christmas 09, you make me happy.

emotional shit again

here i go again hating you.

sadly, i don't even have any real reason for hating you except for the fact that you and me just don't get along the way we're supposed to.

-

thank you for not letting me go through this emotional shit alone. i don't know how much more gay we can get by writing anonymous blog entries to each other.

you can just call me

"...everything's out there, all the feelings, that's better right?"

i didn't know i could actually pick up something from glee. with all the crap i've been going through this week, that final song hit me hard. i may not have a group of amazingly talented singing friends but i do have friends who care, and that's enough for me. :)

where in the world

REGRET.
sadly, this word will never keep hauting me.

i had finals the next day. the promise was i finish studying and i find a ride and i'd be allowed. that simple. i was even suprised that i was allowed given it was a sunday and finals for the next two days and the fact that i asked only on the day itself. so i studied for six or seven hours straight and did what i could. but at around six i decided not to go because it didn't seem right. i think i was traumatized by math17 that i never wanted to do anything i would regret later when i see my grades. a party over a permanent mark in my transcript? it makes me sound like such a dork but something as simple as this already questions how i look at life, or what i proritize in life. but i needed a break. i needed to see my friends, especially those i haven't seen in over a month. i needed to stop studying and get out of the house. i hate being called a ditcher. three different people have called me that in one weekend already and i hate it. it makes me feel like such a bad friend. on the onset, choosing studies over friends sounds like the right decision to make, and i can't please everyone so might as well. so i told them i couldn't go, didn't touch my phone and continued studying.

i was ready to give in for the night. it was past 10pm and i decided to let go of all my notes and readings. i was slowly falling asleep that i didn't realize that i had like five missed calls already. on the sixth call, i answered and at the same time my mom comes in the room yelling why the hell do i have boys in my lobby looking for me. apparently they were on the phone. they left the party just to pick me up. when i told them i couldn't go to the party, they asked me if i could at least go down to see them. but with a yelling mother, and a frustrated self for probably having made the wrong decision, i hid under my blanket and stayed there.

if making the right decision is supposed to make you feel good, then why do i still feel bad?

how dramatic. i'll probably get over this by tomorrow. but i don't understand how the most superficial things in life can make you feel the worst.

sembreak, babawi ako. wait for it.

and my laptop is slowly dying. wednesday i am rushing this for repair. :(

friends forever

i really think we'll be seeing each other many many years from now.
friends forever. ♥
besides, true test of friendship happens when you know can change outfits in front of each other in one big room with one large mirror.
thank you alpha q, isang dakilang barkada for a great night at mia's and for rocking that cotillion dance. :>

i take one step away

you know what, i really refuse to be bothered by you or any boy for that matter. it's only been less than 24 hours since i made those posts and statements from last night, but i care too much about myself that i don't want something as shallow and as small as that to bother me, at least not now. life is good. why should i insist on complicating things. i am happy where i am now. i love my family and my friends. not really my grades, but it is in all these things that i find enough motivation to get me through things.

i am not closing the door completely nor am i saying goodbye. it's just more of wait. i've come to realize that i like being single and free. i want to explore and have fun without the excess baggage and chains. single forever? who cares what other people think. i'll do things in my own time. if the right guy comes at the right time, i won't say no. but right now, i won't force a piece to fit if it doesn't belong in the puzzle.

yes, i will allow my heart to go and fall in love. just not right now.

dead stars, yeah. :))

party everyday, party everyday

okay so apparently, i was just going through my-life-is-miserable kind of days. until this morning, the bad vibes were following me. i arrived extra early in cal (arriving before the gate opens in cal is kind of sad), i left my phone in the car (karma for texting while driving), at the start of class we did not have electricity, i went around cal to look for someone who had kat's number, or mara luna's actually. i was so sad and so desperate that i spent for two jeepney fares to rush to alumni center right after eng 12 to catch sina kat for pe, but failed. so i went to econ library and drowned in my sorrows. i couldn't focus on reading the plague, the most dragging novel ever written.

then i think the minute maid suddenly turned everything around. just as i was about to leave since i couldn't focus anyway, kelvin comes. though his phone is currently missing a "clear" button, i was able to text kat for lunch after. i was able to read a good deal of the novel too. then i got my highest score yet in duckpin bowling - 94. 1 strike and 1 spare. yes. "lucky day mo ngayon ha." and "magmodel ka. kaya pala ang poised mo." oh oh oh. then went to casaa. i thought it'd be alone then i bumped into a couple. but then someone called me away from being a third wheel and i stayed there. good lunch, good lunch.

math was the absolute cherry. i think that was the fastest math class i have ever had. i laughed til i cried as rodrigo's attempted joke. you have to admit, the way he said it was funny. the rest of the day was okay.

but i think i've got the drive back. or at least i hope i got it back.




p.s. you know i've had a good day when i actually "blog" about it instead of being so general and vague like i usually do when i blog haha.

turned off

today's realization:
when it gets turned off, it gets turned off forever.


i never thought it would bother me like this before. i'm 18 and i thought i would be able to accept it by now. but really, i was never ready to face family issues. more than acads, extra-currics, friends or just plain pressure, nothing can make me feel as stressed the way family problems do. sadly, it's not your common family problem. i can't even complain or tell anyone about it. it's like some secret. no one will understand, and no one can side with me. unconsciously, maybe that's why i've been so down.

at times like these, i just really need my good friends.

good talk, good walk today. it felt good to watch a soccer game in the sunken garden. then i just lost myself again.