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e: ... i can't stop thinking about it.
l: that's your problem.
e: what?
l: you think too much.
e: i tried as many things i could last sem, even to the point of tiring myself out, just hoping i could find it. but still nothing.
l: try focusing on the things you already have before trying new things
e: but i don't know where to start.
l: here's what you do - make a list of things that made you happy last sem and another list of things that made you sad. then for the following sem, focus more on the things that made you happy rather than sad.
e: what if what makes me happy is to make other people happy
l: you can't make everyone happy and you know that.
e: why are you so smart
l: because i don't think too much. i just let things come as they are.
e: unlike me
l: yeah
e: then have you ever wondered why we got along in the first place?
l: yeah, but i guess we have qualities that the other doesn't so we help each other out. you help me think some things through and i help you loosen up a bit. it balances out.
e: ... me too, but i'm scared to say it.
l: there you go again. stop thinking too much about it and say it.
--
thank you sembreak for giving me this chance to rest and get fat. and thank you for giving me advice that made me feel more stupid but at least more free after.
i don't know if it's a normal thing to have friends get mad at you every once in a while but since it happened a lot pretty recently, i'm starting to think that it's not normal.
i love my extra-currics. they're not even a lot. but why is it ruining my relationship with everything else? i don't think it's supposed to. it's supposed to de-stress me from crazy acads or keep me on my toes instead of being a bum. and it's doing just that, but more. i used to think it was a problem of having too much. but now i think it's a problem of, i dunno actually. but i think it has something to do with when i'm not feeling something, then i won't do it. that's actually a problem since usually obligations or commitments aren't supposed to be feelings-based, not just concerning work but with relationships, friends, families etc too. apparently, i "feel" org work more than i do with other things. it's like i'm sucked way too much and i can't open up to other things, especially other commitments.
i don't know what to do. i can't stop what i'm doing now. but i don't have any idea how to fix things either. i'm trying. i tried by detaching myself (i.e. away from facebook and phone) but that backfired completely.
so i really hope you won't leave me too.
january was a very uneventful month. i spent part of new year's alone, my weekends were dull, midterms stress was just stressful. minus valentine's day, i think february will turn out to be better. even chinese new year looks fun.
I FEEL SO FREEEEEEE.
okay, that probably made me sound like some heartless bitch, but i feel so much lighter now that i've said it and i was finally honest. i really think things turned out better after. while i expected everything to turn downhill or turn awkward after, it's like things went in a completely opposite direction. i mean, we both never felt so comfortable until that moment. even you said it. but if there was one thing i regret about this entire thing, it strangely has nothing to do with you, it was telling others. i know they would eventually find out, but as much as possible i didn't want it to come from me. i wanted to AVOID talking about it, at least for now. i made a decision and i want to stick to it, but i feel like talking to other people would either confuse me or make me regret it. i knew that telling others would make me really FEEL like some heartless bitch. i thought i'd finally be liberated, and i was, but not completely because of other people's constant reminders of what a bitch i am (i.e. someone just told me to stop talking him and another person told me that he felt the pain of it and sort of announces it to the whole world via facebook). i know it's all a joke, and reactions earlier were probably exaggerated (or at least all those jaw drops of disappointment and instant frowns were exaggerated), and i shouldn't take any of their reactions seriously, but i don't know, i couldn't help but feel bad, even just the slightest bit. it made me feel bad about what i did and the fact that i hurt more than one person because i was being selfish. i don't know, i'd probably take back all of this one day and just look back and laugh. but i really just wanted this to be between you and me. i didn't want to involve anyone else. i didn't want anyone else to really know. but it's my fault too, i started to talk when i knew i shouldn't have. i should just kept my mouth shut.
but it's done. this blog is my only perfect excuse to talk about it, but either than that, let's please never bring it up ever again.
i want to be able to say one day when i grow old that late nights with your barkada in college make up for all the crap and stress you go through, particularly that one late night on dencio's roofdeck overlooking the village lights with nothing but sisig, drinks and friends. it's been an amazing week so far. usually my last week before christmas is always filled with stress because of high school exams. but for the first time, it just feels good to be in school (because i actually do enjoy being in school) but having absolutely nothing to worry about. just a lot of freecuts, takas trips and no apparent reasons to stay late. then there's still lantern parade and a couple more christmas parties to look forward to.
good times are forever.
but if you're scared it only means you want to take the chance but you're just not sure. no one is ever ready, only we can tell ourselves when we are ready to make the biggest decision of our life. TRUE STORY ;)
since when did facebook start giving really good advice?
i need to stop proving that i CAN, because maybe i just really can't. i think i'd be happier if i stopped trying. get it into your head please - NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU ARE FINE THE WAY YOU ARE. and you don't need any guy to tell you that.
you can't always get what you want
but if you try sometimes, you just might find
you get what you need
i realized that there are two "like" patterns that exist in my life.
pattern A:
i see a possible person that i can like.
i try to get their attention in the least obvious way possible.
i find out what i can about that person.
i hang out with him.
i find out that i'm growing to like him.
so i hang out with him more.
i start getting hints that he might like me back, but that's probably just the optimistic side in me.
then boom before you know it, he admits that he likes me.
i get kilig for say a few days.
then boom before you know it, i wake up one moring and realize that i can't like him for so and so reasons.
for days and weeks, i get so fickle-minded and indecisive about my feelings. one day i like him, the next day i don't.
then boom i wake up one morning and finally decide that it's time to let go.
but now for the hard part - how to tell him.
i try to let my actions speak but sometimes it's not enough.
so boom, i tell him and inevitably hurt his feelings.
we try to become friends but it lasts only for a while.
then we just drift apart completely, with the occasionally greeting during birthdays or saying what's up once in a while or just not talking at all.
or pattern B:
i see a possible person that i can like.
i try to get their attention in the least obvious way possible.
i find out what i can about that person.
then i realize that he's just too perfect, too out of reach.
i still try but he's either a) taken, b) manhid, c) really out of reach or d) chinese.
so i just watch you from a far and like you from afar.
then it dies down when i find some other perfect guy to shower my attention to.
analysis:
pattern A happened a lot. TWICE on the same person. i believe it was worse the second time around. and it's happening again now.
pattern B happened a lot too. but it just always ends up the same - SAWI.
conclusion:
maybe i'm not meant to like anybody.
at least not yet.
how depressing. :(
