waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide

okay, so this is how i explained it to you the other night.

i was already in that point where i was so sure of myself and my decision - i didn't want anything that would get in my way. i was already on that maximum point, on the tip of the iceberg, at the highest limit etc etc and i knew had to do it soon.

so you bet that i couldn't tell him. but i did. then for some unexplainable reason, i just realized that all i needed to do was talk to him. i told him i honestly don't think i can meet up with any of his expectations, i can't always be free or expect to always go for it. i said that i had my own things and my own life and those things mean just as much to me to the point where it wasn't about me anymore. so i told him all those things on one car ride home. then he said he completely understands and that he didn't have any expectations at all. zero, none, yeah.

i came home that thinking oh no, he didn't get it. i expected him to be more aggressive and i was scared it would backfire. yes, he was still sure of what he wanted, but the very next day, he found some way to make things easier for me all of a sudden. for one, he stopped being clingy. he let me be and let me do what i wanted. he was able to find that magical boundary between giving me space and being there for me (pia's letter). he stopped with the drama and lessened the bvs. he gave up a lot of ffl just to make things happen. he met my parents. he became a really good friend.

so just when i was at that threshold of letting everything go completely, he managed to pull me back.

even with jma, nyc, acads, family, friends etc etc and other possible reasons or excuses i can think of to tell myself that it won't work, you were right. knowing someone is there for you is a great thing and i shouldn't take that for granted. i'm doing just that.

to where this thing goes in the near future, i have no idea. i haven't had any idea for the past year. all i know is now and just a night of nothing but gvs. :)

if i was stronger than that

i don't know if it's a normal thing to have friends get mad at you every once in a while but since it happened a lot pretty recently, i'm starting to think that it's not normal.

i love my extra-currics. they're not even a lot. but why is it ruining my relationship with everything else? i don't think it's supposed to. it's supposed to de-stress me from crazy acads or keep me on my toes instead of being a bum. and it's doing just that, but more. i used to think it was a problem of having too much. but now i think it's a problem of, i dunno actually. but i think it has something to do with when i'm not feeling something, then i won't do it. that's actually a problem since usually obligations or commitments aren't supposed to be feelings-based, not just concerning work but with relationships, friends, families etc too. apparently, i "feel" org work more than i do with other things. it's like i'm sucked way too much and i can't open up to other things, especially other commitments.

i don't know what to do. i can't stop what i'm doing now. but i don't have any idea how to fix things either. i'm trying. i tried by detaching myself (i.e. away from facebook and phone) but that backfired completely.

so i really hope you won't leave me too.

this door is always open

i got caught. but it was worth going to fight night. from the two-plus-hour car ride with anaj and butch (and getting lost a million times even if the two of them have been there already) to late night good fun with nothing but alcohol and a camera. these people really make me feel at home wherever i am. :)

after last night's "talk", i realized that you're never sure where you're going to end up but you just have to keep on trying. i hope things work out.

shawty's like a melody in my head

after feeling so eehh this whole week, i've never felt so confident to just do something. (and i swear it's not because of alcohol.) like there's so many things i want to do next sem, so many things i want to change. it's not that i have everything planned, or like we discussed in english 11, that we choose to follow our "script in life" but i just definitely know i want to change and be more of myself at the same time. is that even possible, i wouldn't know til i get there. the thought just excites me and motivates me.

note to self: play sports more often. exercise produces endorphins. endorphins make you happy. therefore, exercise makes you happy.

and one frequency will forever be in my heart for special reasons. here's to many more future renumans. so much love. ♥

he asked me the same thing twice

i believe my last major event of the sem for jma is finally over. (not really counting app proj and delibs.) it even feels like the sem is over too and there's nothing much left. i feel like 2010 will be such a dull year for me. at least compared to 2009. i had SO MUCH to look forward to last year, and it was such an epic year with scop, high school graduation, summer, becoming legal, starting college, joining my first org, etc. there was just so much. i envy those who are so optimistic about their 2010 with so many things to look forward to. with my 2010, there's hardly anything. i can't even say i'm looking forward to summer cause i'm planning to take summer class. sure, there's a few things here and there, like my birthday for example, but generally i'm just going to be studying, working, stressing myself and become a 19 year old sophomore. like i said, dull.

i hope i'm wrong. because if not, it's going to be a really long year.


edit;
then i looked back on my year 2009 entry. and i realized if there's one thing i can really look forward to in 2010, it would be this - change.

that totally sounded like an obama campaign haha. but it's true, true.

push it one more time

i'm supposed be doing my homework for later, but screw it, i just want to say that i'm glad it's OVER. this weekend was tiring, physically and mentally. but even if i sound so selfish for saying this, it felt soooo good to hear all those "congrats" and "good job" remarks. it's like my fuel to continue.

don't stop, make it pop

i'm proud to be a red titan.

even if i totally screwed us over for mr and mrs bacbacan. and played the most intense volleyball game in my life. best out of 5 but we played all the way til the finish and lost by a few points to the "golden centaurs". even i don't know how we survived 11 sets of death. my arms were ready to give up already since they're so bruised and sore, not to mention my left contact fell out of my eye in the middle of a game so i had to rush to the bathroom. but whatever, next year. watch out for it. gaganti din ako haha.

p.s. it's my "event" tomorrow and i'm nervous as hell.

use your love tonight

q: since when did math become such a problem for me?
a: since rodrigo entered my life. :((

you cannot imagine how happy i would be just to PASS math 17 under rodrigo. get me drunk, i don't even care, just let me get at least a 3 in his class. but finals was so iffy. i can't tell if i feel good about it or not. i definitely won't get high, but is it enough to get 3? i have to wait until october 20 to find out.

in the mean time, to APPLY OR NOT APPLY? i've been telling people to apply everytime they ask me if they should, but now i don't know if I should now. i don't know if i can handle it.

welcome to the best

I FEEL AT HOME.
INTERNALS THE BEST.

let's do this

app process is finally done. i really can't believe it's been an entire sem since i first met this set of crazy people. and talk about unexpected. i don't think a single blog entry can ever summarize what i learned, felt, realized, or experienced from this entire app process. whether or not i get in, i don't regret joining this onefrequency batch.

L: i'm proud of you

best feeling in the world, whatever the outcome would be. :)

after that EPIC october 10 (video making til the sun rose, studied for econ exam when the sun rose, econ exam, children's party app proj, final interviews in econ bldg, and katrina's wild surprise birthday), it's time to FOCUS. i need to tell myself to ace all those exams, especially math 17. LET'S DO THIS. YES. AND THERE AIN'T NO STOPPING. EVERYDAY I SEE MY DREAM.

then here comes sembreak. let me go through this stress ride as an ugly cow with huge eyebags and big shirt outfits then i'll be back. wait for it.

EDIT: i just need to PASS math 17 and i'm good. KAYANG KAYA PLEASE.