walking on sunshine

here's the deal.

last night was crazy. and somewhat expected too. but hey, i think i'm getting better at handling these things, or maybe it's just because i'm kind of used to it already, or maybe because my perspective of things has changed. perspective? who are you kidding? just say it - feelings. fine, i said it. whatever the reason is, i didn't hate it as much when i woke up compared to how much i hated it before. as usual, i talked to people. and as usual, i thought about it. then that was when my moment of revelation came - i should really stop thinking about it. not that i've diverted from the track i already set myself on. yes, i still don't want anything. but now i think i'm more open. i used to think about things too much, and how everything must fit into how i wanted it be. but i can't remember the last time i just stopped thinking and let things just happen.

it's so funny how my main concern was just how i look to other people. seriously, why should i even care? but honestly, it's harder said than done. sometimes i can't help but care. well, the only conclusion i can come up with now is that i have to try.

so here i am. and i decided to give you a shot. no judgements, no biases, no anything. i'm actually going to give you a real chance. let's both hope that it works for the both of us. and let me be honest (though i will never really tell you that's why i'm writing it down here), this is a big leap for ME. i hope i made the right decision to trust you.

it's always that part of me

i think i have this sickness that when i fall in love with something to much, it will NEVER last. it may stay for weeks, months, years even. but when the hype is gone, it's gone forever. i guess that's why i have this fear, this fear to never get attached to anything, to never love anybody or anything fully. why? because i know i will lose them if i will. that's probably why i never cry over things, or get emotional about anything, because i was never really attached to them in the first place. i lost someone i loved so much once before. i'm not sure anything can be more painful than that. whether consciously or not, i choose not to give myself fully because of fear of losing myself. i don't know if i can do anything about it. it's sad, but it's the truth.

where in the world

REGRET.
sadly, this word will never keep hauting me.

i had finals the next day. the promise was i finish studying and i find a ride and i'd be allowed. that simple. i was even suprised that i was allowed given it was a sunday and finals for the next two days and the fact that i asked only on the day itself. so i studied for six or seven hours straight and did what i could. but at around six i decided not to go because it didn't seem right. i think i was traumatized by math17 that i never wanted to do anything i would regret later when i see my grades. a party over a permanent mark in my transcript? it makes me sound like such a dork but something as simple as this already questions how i look at life, or what i proritize in life. but i needed a break. i needed to see my friends, especially those i haven't seen in over a month. i needed to stop studying and get out of the house. i hate being called a ditcher. three different people have called me that in one weekend already and i hate it. it makes me feel like such a bad friend. on the onset, choosing studies over friends sounds like the right decision to make, and i can't please everyone so might as well. so i told them i couldn't go, didn't touch my phone and continued studying.

i was ready to give in for the night. it was past 10pm and i decided to let go of all my notes and readings. i was slowly falling asleep that i didn't realize that i had like five missed calls already. on the sixth call, i answered and at the same time my mom comes in the room yelling why the hell do i have boys in my lobby looking for me. apparently they were on the phone. they left the party just to pick me up. when i told them i couldn't go to the party, they asked me if i could at least go down to see them. but with a yelling mother, and a frustrated self for probably having made the wrong decision, i hid under my blanket and stayed there.

if making the right decision is supposed to make you feel good, then why do i still feel bad?

how dramatic. i'll probably get over this by tomorrow. but i don't understand how the most superficial things in life can make you feel the worst.

sembreak, babawi ako. wait for it.

and my laptop is slowly dying. wednesday i am rushing this for repair. :(

use your love tonight

q: since when did math become such a problem for me?
a: since rodrigo entered my life. :((

you cannot imagine how happy i would be just to PASS math 17 under rodrigo. get me drunk, i don't even care, just let me get at least a 3 in his class. but finals was so iffy. i can't tell if i feel good about it or not. i definitely won't get high, but is it enough to get 3? i have to wait until october 20 to find out.

in the mean time, to APPLY OR NOT APPLY? i've been telling people to apply everytime they ask me if they should, but now i don't know if I should now. i don't know if i can handle it.

welcome to the best

I FEEL AT HOME.
INTERNALS THE BEST.

let's do this

app process is finally done. i really can't believe it's been an entire sem since i first met this set of crazy people. and talk about unexpected. i don't think a single blog entry can ever summarize what i learned, felt, realized, or experienced from this entire app process. whether or not i get in, i don't regret joining this onefrequency batch.

L: i'm proud of you

best feeling in the world, whatever the outcome would be. :)

after that EPIC october 10 (video making til the sun rose, studied for econ exam when the sun rose, econ exam, children's party app proj, final interviews in econ bldg, and katrina's wild surprise birthday), it's time to FOCUS. i need to tell myself to ace all those exams, especially math 17. LET'S DO THIS. YES. AND THERE AIN'T NO STOPPING. EVERYDAY I SEE MY DREAM.

then here comes sembreak. let me go through this stress ride as an ugly cow with huge eyebags and big shirt outfits then i'll be back. wait for it.

EDIT: i just need to PASS math 17 and i'm good. KAYANG KAYA PLEASE.

maybe we were never meant to get that far

i realized that there are two "like" patterns that exist in my life.

pattern A:
i see a possible person that i can like.
i try to get their attention in the least obvious way possible.
i find out what i can about that person.
i hang out with him.
i find out that i'm growing to like him.
so i hang out with him more.
i start getting hints that he might like me back, but that's probably just the optimistic side in me.
then boom before you know it, he admits that he likes me.
i get kilig for say a few days.
then boom before you know it, i wake up one moring and realize that i can't like him for so and so reasons.
for days and weeks, i get so fickle-minded and indecisive about my feelings. one day i like him, the next day i don't.
then boom i wake up one morning and finally decide that it's time to let go.
but now for the hard part - how to tell him.
i try to let my actions speak but sometimes it's not enough.
so boom, i tell him and inevitably hurt his feelings.
we try to become friends but it lasts only for a while.
then we just drift apart completely, with the occasionally greeting during birthdays or saying what's up once in a while or just not talking at all.

or pattern B:
i see a possible person that i can like.
i try to get their attention in the least obvious way possible.
i find out what i can about that person.
then i realize that he's just too perfect, too out of reach.
i still try but he's either a) taken, b) manhid, c) really out of reach or d) chinese.
so i just watch you from a far and like you from afar.
then it dies down when i find some other perfect guy to shower my attention to.

analysis:
pattern A happened a lot. TWICE on the same person. i believe it was worse the second time around. and it's happening again now.

pattern B happened a lot too. but it just always ends up the same - SAWI.

conclusion:
maybe i'm not meant to like anybody.
at least not yet.
how depressing. :(