year 2009

if i could choose one photo for every month in the year 2009, it would go like this.


january
when i learned the word EPIC.


february
when i just let myself go, completely.


march
when i learned to say goodbye.


april
when roadtrips, sunblock, grass and foodtrips became my bestfriend.


may
when i saw another side of the world.


june
when i realized how truly lucky i am.


july
when i met the ultimate threat (whom i conquered later on).


august
when i let myself go, but in a far different way than i could ever imagine.


september
when i realized that high school is actually forever.


october
when i realized that college could possibly also be forever.


november
when i began work with my second family.


december
when i look back at my year and be thankful for all those nights i will remember.



it was a good year, no, an amazing year, despite the few regrets i still have. but hey, it's time to move on. it's 2010 already.

because we like to party hard

at 2 in the morning, i texted: "the post-hit feeling i have now feels so much uhm happier compared to post-hit after jma parties or whatever. i don't know, what does that tell you."

he texted back: "well, then now i guess you know how you really feel. :D"

true, i know how i feel about two things. first, about you, i'm starting the year right by telling you off. i don't know when or how and i don't know what's going to happen after (i just hope it doesn't shatter our barkada) but i know now that i have to. i just never really liked you enough.

secondly, about the best friends i'll ever had. if i could replay last night over and over again i would. i can just be myself and have a good time. i don't have to worry about what i look like or how i act because all 17 of you don't care. laglagan na last night and yet all we could do was laugh it off. so to the best barkada in the world (i am biased), particularly to my three non-judging bestfriends, i would take a million shots for all of you, even if that leaves me piss ass drunk lying all over the place.


oh christmas 09, you make me happy.

on that stable bed

oh and i've made up my mind. i will find the right time to tell you in your face what i should have said long ago. but i don't know when that right time is. i can't tell you now cause it's christmas. and i'm scared to tell you within the school year because we are forced to work together. and even when the school year is over, i'm still worried that telling you might ruin our barkada now. so if you think about, there's never really a right time. but i have to. i think at some point, i have a right to be selfish. besides, i don't think i've been anything close to a lover. i've always been the heartbreaker. i'm cold like that. and i guess that's what i'm about to do again, as much as i hate doing it. this is obviously proof that i should not have anyone just yet. i don't like being pulled down cause that's how i always feel. so i've finally placed a "standard" on when i think i'm ready - when i meet someone who can push me up rather than bring me down, i know i can finally settle. but until then, i'll just be me.

what happens at the party

i want to be able to say one day when i grow old that late nights with your barkada in college make up for all the crap and stress you go through, particularly that one late night on dencio's roofdeck overlooking the village lights with nothing but sisig, drinks and friends. it's been an amazing week so far. usually my last week before christmas is always filled with stress because of high school exams. but for the first time, it just feels good to be in school (because i actually do enjoy being in school) but having absolutely nothing to worry about. just a lot of freecuts, takas trips and no apparent reasons to stay late. then there's still lantern parade and a couple more christmas parties to look forward to.
good times are forever.

at first, when i see you cry

but if you're scared it only means you want to take the chance but you're just not sure. no one is ever ready, only we can tell ourselves when we are ready to make the biggest decision of our life. TRUE STORY ;)

since when did facebook start giving really good advice?

you can't always get what you want

i need to stop proving that i CAN, because maybe i just really can't. i think i'd be happier if i stopped trying. get it into your head please - NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU ARE FINE THE WAY YOU ARE. and you don't need any guy to tell you that.

you can't always get what you want
but if you try sometimes, you just might find
you get what you need

push it one more time

i'm supposed be doing my homework for later, but screw it, i just want to say that i'm glad it's OVER. this weekend was tiring, physically and mentally. but even if i sound so selfish for saying this, it felt soooo good to hear all those "congrats" and "good job" remarks. it's like my fuel to continue.

don't stop, make it pop

i'm proud to be a red titan.

even if i totally screwed us over for mr and mrs bacbacan. and played the most intense volleyball game in my life. best out of 5 but we played all the way til the finish and lost by a few points to the "golden centaurs". even i don't know how we survived 11 sets of death. my arms were ready to give up already since they're so bruised and sore, not to mention my left contact fell out of my eye in the middle of a game so i had to rush to the bathroom. but whatever, next year. watch out for it. gaganti din ako haha.

p.s. it's my "event" tomorrow and i'm nervous as hell.

if you want to go somewhere

it's coming back. i'm starting to think you're a hassle again. you know why, because it was always for the wrong reasons. from the very start, i don't think i picked a reason good enough to keep it hanging.



ironically, just a few hours ago, i was so ready to tell you in front of your face already that i actually like you.

and i can see

You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy, can't remember
when I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

why the internet sucks

facebook is officially the source of all evil. if you do not want to sin, do not check facebook. not only is it a major distraction, it shows you things you don't want to see. i wish i just never opened it.

emotional shit again

here i go again hating you.

sadly, i don't even have any real reason for hating you except for the fact that you and me just don't get along the way we're supposed to.

-

thank you for not letting me go through this emotional shit alone. i don't know how much more gay we can get by writing anonymous blog entries to each other.

i sing i swim

i will tell you honestly. if you ask me right now, at this very moment, i would say yes.


i can't promise i would say the same thing the next time around.

you can just call me

"...everything's out there, all the feelings, that's better right?"

i didn't know i could actually pick up something from glee. with all the crap i've been going through this week, that final song hit me hard. i may not have a group of amazingly talented singing friends but i do have friends who care, and that's enough for me. :)

you really got a hold of me

in reference to what i wrote not so long ago, i finally found the word for it. i never knew such a word even existed:

i guess that's why i have this fear, this fear to never get attached to anything, to never love anybody or anything fully. why? because i know i will lose them if i will.


but you know what, last night was the first time in a long time that i didn't feel scared. it felt good to be with you. i hope i'm doing it right.

i wish it was you

why do you disappear when i need you the most?


edit: i think the heavens heard me. thank you. :)

walking on sunshine

here's the deal.

last night was crazy. and somewhat expected too. but hey, i think i'm getting better at handling these things, or maybe it's just because i'm kind of used to it already, or maybe because my perspective of things has changed. perspective? who are you kidding? just say it - feelings. fine, i said it. whatever the reason is, i didn't hate it as much when i woke up compared to how much i hated it before. as usual, i talked to people. and as usual, i thought about it. then that was when my moment of revelation came - i should really stop thinking about it. not that i've diverted from the track i already set myself on. yes, i still don't want anything. but now i think i'm more open. i used to think about things too much, and how everything must fit into how i wanted it be. but i can't remember the last time i just stopped thinking and let things just happen.

it's so funny how my main concern was just how i look to other people. seriously, why should i even care? but honestly, it's harder said than done. sometimes i can't help but care. well, the only conclusion i can come up with now is that i have to try.

so here i am. and i decided to give you a shot. no judgements, no biases, no anything. i'm actually going to give you a real chance. let's both hope that it works for the both of us. and let me be honest (though i will never really tell you that's why i'm writing it down here), this is a big leap for ME. i hope i made the right decision to trust you.

it's always that part of me

i think i have this sickness that when i fall in love with something to much, it will NEVER last. it may stay for weeks, months, years even. but when the hype is gone, it's gone forever. i guess that's why i have this fear, this fear to never get attached to anything, to never love anybody or anything fully. why? because i know i will lose them if i will. that's probably why i never cry over things, or get emotional about anything, because i was never really attached to them in the first place. i lost someone i loved so much once before. i'm not sure anything can be more painful than that. whether consciously or not, i choose not to give myself fully because of fear of losing myself. i don't know if i can do anything about it. it's sad, but it's the truth.

where in the world

REGRET.
sadly, this word will never keep hauting me.

i had finals the next day. the promise was i finish studying and i find a ride and i'd be allowed. that simple. i was even suprised that i was allowed given it was a sunday and finals for the next two days and the fact that i asked only on the day itself. so i studied for six or seven hours straight and did what i could. but at around six i decided not to go because it didn't seem right. i think i was traumatized by math17 that i never wanted to do anything i would regret later when i see my grades. a party over a permanent mark in my transcript? it makes me sound like such a dork but something as simple as this already questions how i look at life, or what i proritize in life. but i needed a break. i needed to see my friends, especially those i haven't seen in over a month. i needed to stop studying and get out of the house. i hate being called a ditcher. three different people have called me that in one weekend already and i hate it. it makes me feel like such a bad friend. on the onset, choosing studies over friends sounds like the right decision to make, and i can't please everyone so might as well. so i told them i couldn't go, didn't touch my phone and continued studying.

i was ready to give in for the night. it was past 10pm and i decided to let go of all my notes and readings. i was slowly falling asleep that i didn't realize that i had like five missed calls already. on the sixth call, i answered and at the same time my mom comes in the room yelling why the hell do i have boys in my lobby looking for me. apparently they were on the phone. they left the party just to pick me up. when i told them i couldn't go to the party, they asked me if i could at least go down to see them. but with a yelling mother, and a frustrated self for probably having made the wrong decision, i hid under my blanket and stayed there.

if making the right decision is supposed to make you feel good, then why do i still feel bad?

how dramatic. i'll probably get over this by tomorrow. but i don't understand how the most superficial things in life can make you feel the worst.

sembreak, babawi ako. wait for it.

and my laptop is slowly dying. wednesday i am rushing this for repair. :(

use your love tonight

q: since when did math become such a problem for me?
a: since rodrigo entered my life. :((

you cannot imagine how happy i would be just to PASS math 17 under rodrigo. get me drunk, i don't even care, just let me get at least a 3 in his class. but finals was so iffy. i can't tell if i feel good about it or not. i definitely won't get high, but is it enough to get 3? i have to wait until october 20 to find out.

in the mean time, to APPLY OR NOT APPLY? i've been telling people to apply everytime they ask me if they should, but now i don't know if I should now. i don't know if i can handle it.

welcome to the best

I FEEL AT HOME.
INTERNALS THE BEST.

let's do this

app process is finally done. i really can't believe it's been an entire sem since i first met this set of crazy people. and talk about unexpected. i don't think a single blog entry can ever summarize what i learned, felt, realized, or experienced from this entire app process. whether or not i get in, i don't regret joining this onefrequency batch.

L: i'm proud of you

best feeling in the world, whatever the outcome would be. :)

after that EPIC october 10 (video making til the sun rose, studied for econ exam when the sun rose, econ exam, children's party app proj, final interviews in econ bldg, and katrina's wild surprise birthday), it's time to FOCUS. i need to tell myself to ace all those exams, especially math 17. LET'S DO THIS. YES. AND THERE AIN'T NO STOPPING. EVERYDAY I SEE MY DREAM.

then here comes sembreak. let me go through this stress ride as an ugly cow with huge eyebags and big shirt outfits then i'll be back. wait for it.

EDIT: i just need to PASS math 17 and i'm good. KAYANG KAYA PLEASE.

maybe we were never meant to get that far

i realized that there are two "like" patterns that exist in my life.

pattern A:
i see a possible person that i can like.
i try to get their attention in the least obvious way possible.
i find out what i can about that person.
i hang out with him.
i find out that i'm growing to like him.
so i hang out with him more.
i start getting hints that he might like me back, but that's probably just the optimistic side in me.
then boom before you know it, he admits that he likes me.
i get kilig for say a few days.
then boom before you know it, i wake up one moring and realize that i can't like him for so and so reasons.
for days and weeks, i get so fickle-minded and indecisive about my feelings. one day i like him, the next day i don't.
then boom i wake up one morning and finally decide that it's time to let go.
but now for the hard part - how to tell him.
i try to let my actions speak but sometimes it's not enough.
so boom, i tell him and inevitably hurt his feelings.
we try to become friends but it lasts only for a while.
then we just drift apart completely, with the occasionally greeting during birthdays or saying what's up once in a while or just not talking at all.

or pattern B:
i see a possible person that i can like.
i try to get their attention in the least obvious way possible.
i find out what i can about that person.
then i realize that he's just too perfect, too out of reach.
i still try but he's either a) taken, b) manhid, c) really out of reach or d) chinese.
so i just watch you from a far and like you from afar.
then it dies down when i find some other perfect guy to shower my attention to.

analysis:
pattern A happened a lot. TWICE on the same person. i believe it was worse the second time around. and it's happening again now.

pattern B happened a lot too. but it just always ends up the same - SAWI.

conclusion:
maybe i'm not meant to like anybody.
at least not yet.
how depressing. :(

there's nothing else i can say

she's just too perfect. i'm sorry i can't be like her.

I'M JEALOUS OKAY. THERE I SAID IT.

I WILL WRITE ABOUT THIS EPIC DAY SOME OTHER TIME.

friends forever

i really think we'll be seeing each other many many years from now.
friends forever. ♥
besides, true test of friendship happens when you know can change outfits in front of each other in one big room with one large mirror.
thank you alpha q, isang dakilang barkada for a great night at mia's and for rocking that cotillion dance. :>

everyday i see my dream

i've always wondered what it feels like to think at the edge. i want to know how it feels like to just let go. but i'm always too scared. i'm hoping you'd help me.

quote

"Why would I cry over a boy? I would never waste my tears on a boy. Why waste your tears on someone who makes you cry?"

— Kirsten Dunst

i take one step away

you know what, i really refuse to be bothered by you or any boy for that matter. it's only been less than 24 hours since i made those posts and statements from last night, but i care too much about myself that i don't want something as shallow and as small as that to bother me, at least not now. life is good. why should i insist on complicating things. i am happy where i am now. i love my family and my friends. not really my grades, but it is in all these things that i find enough motivation to get me through things.

i am not closing the door completely nor am i saying goodbye. it's just more of wait. i've come to realize that i like being single and free. i want to explore and have fun without the excess baggage and chains. single forever? who cares what other people think. i'll do things in my own time. if the right guy comes at the right time, i won't say no. but right now, i won't force a piece to fit if it doesn't belong in the puzzle.

yes, i will allow my heart to go and fall in love. just not right now.

dead stars, yeah. :))

thinking

i'll say it now. i miss late night chats and a reason to feel happy over the most shallow things you say.

just a thought

i'm starting to think. maybe it's a sign telling me that i'm not meant to be alone. that maybe it's okay to let my heart go and fall in love, you know.

kat&lianca, thank you for surprising me today. i never thought i'd see you guys waiting outside with a huge patrick star balloon and 4 chocolate cakes (such pigs tsk tsk) haha. but yeah, today was exactly what i needed. thanks for making me feel better. :D

i'm tired of holding this inside my head

fuck the drama. i didn't choose to become a part of this but i am. and there's nothing i can do about it. i wish it could be about anything else. school, friends, family, even boys for all i care. but it's not. and there's nothing i can do about it but go through. i hate the fact that i can't talk to anyone else about this.

on the brightside, guess who got her license today? :> five long hours just waiting in LTO but at least it's finally over. my driver just left me there and came back for me when i was done. :| i couldn't eat or go to the bathroom the entire time. but good news is, i wasn't raped or stolen from. i bumped into 3 familiar faces too while i was there.

jealousy is the one of the worst feelings in the world. it can cause you to sin like a hundred times more than the usual.


p.s. i need to stay as far away from you as possible.

party everyday, party everyday

okay so apparently, i was just going through my-life-is-miserable kind of days. until this morning, the bad vibes were following me. i arrived extra early in cal (arriving before the gate opens in cal is kind of sad), i left my phone in the car (karma for texting while driving), at the start of class we did not have electricity, i went around cal to look for someone who had kat's number, or mara luna's actually. i was so sad and so desperate that i spent for two jeepney fares to rush to alumni center right after eng 12 to catch sina kat for pe, but failed. so i went to econ library and drowned in my sorrows. i couldn't focus on reading the plague, the most dragging novel ever written.

then i think the minute maid suddenly turned everything around. just as i was about to leave since i couldn't focus anyway, kelvin comes. though his phone is currently missing a "clear" button, i was able to text kat for lunch after. i was able to read a good deal of the novel too. then i got my highest score yet in duckpin bowling - 94. 1 strike and 1 spare. yes. "lucky day mo ngayon ha." and "magmodel ka. kaya pala ang poised mo." oh oh oh. then went to casaa. i thought it'd be alone then i bumped into a couple. but then someone called me away from being a third wheel and i stayed there. good lunch, good lunch.

math was the absolute cherry. i think that was the fastest math class i have ever had. i laughed til i cried as rodrigo's attempted joke. you have to admit, the way he said it was funny. the rest of the day was okay.

but i think i've got the drive back. or at least i hope i got it back.




p.s. you know i've had a good day when i actually "blog" about it instead of being so general and vague like i usually do when i blog haha.

turned off

today's realization:
when it gets turned off, it gets turned off forever.


i never thought it would bother me like this before. i'm 18 and i thought i would be able to accept it by now. but really, i was never ready to face family issues. more than acads, extra-currics, friends or just plain pressure, nothing can make me feel as stressed the way family problems do. sadly, it's not your common family problem. i can't even complain or tell anyone about it. it's like some secret. no one will understand, and no one can side with me. unconsciously, maybe that's why i've been so down.

at times like these, i just really need my good friends.

good talk, good walk today. it felt good to watch a soccer game in the sunken garden. then i just lost myself again.

majorly depressed

i'm majorly depressed and it's not even funny. i thought maybe certain things or people would cheer me up, or make me smile even, but no, it didn't work. what is wrong with me.

i miss cara and maia.

you're a bitter loser

sometimes i really wish i had much better things to do. i think i've been in such a sulky mood these past few days because 1) i haven't been out this weekend, at all and 2) there is nothing due this week for me to study or cram. this leaves me with one option: doing absolutely nothing. i have not had a real conversation with a friend since friday. the closest thing i have had to socials is probably facebook, but that doesn't really count. i've been trying to de-tach myself since friday night but it hasn't been working, obviously. this weekend seems so long when you really don't have anything to do. i probably sound like some insecure loner but i really think it's the effect of college. it got me so used to seeing friends almost every day. while it can be fun, i know it's not really a good thing. i used to be content to be spending a day at home, just to rest after a long week at school but now, i'm just itching to go out.

well, i had to make a decision. it was either this week or next week.


edit one week later: the despe was a good decision.

ever constant, ever changing

i was so ready to delete my last blogger, but decided against it. despite the crazy crap it's full of, there were still a lot of good memories in there, somewhere. summer memories mostly. so i'm starting again, hoping i sound more like me than someone else in this blog. i always end up worrying if i sound like a pretentious whore if i talk about my "boy drama" too much. or that i might sound like crazy grade conscious kid who has no other life but school with my constant rants. or that i may just be not interesting enough. past all that, i'm just all for being completely honest now. i'm in college and i think i have a life, so why not try again.