quote

"Why would I cry over a boy? I would never waste my tears on a boy. Why waste your tears on someone who makes you cry?"

— Kirsten Dunst

i take one step away

you know what, i really refuse to be bothered by you or any boy for that matter. it's only been less than 24 hours since i made those posts and statements from last night, but i care too much about myself that i don't want something as shallow and as small as that to bother me, at least not now. life is good. why should i insist on complicating things. i am happy where i am now. i love my family and my friends. not really my grades, but it is in all these things that i find enough motivation to get me through things.

i am not closing the door completely nor am i saying goodbye. it's just more of wait. i've come to realize that i like being single and free. i want to explore and have fun without the excess baggage and chains. single forever? who cares what other people think. i'll do things in my own time. if the right guy comes at the right time, i won't say no. but right now, i won't force a piece to fit if it doesn't belong in the puzzle.

yes, i will allow my heart to go and fall in love. just not right now.

dead stars, yeah. :))

thinking

i'll say it now. i miss late night chats and a reason to feel happy over the most shallow things you say.

just a thought

i'm starting to think. maybe it's a sign telling me that i'm not meant to be alone. that maybe it's okay to let my heart go and fall in love, you know.

kat&lianca, thank you for surprising me today. i never thought i'd see you guys waiting outside with a huge patrick star balloon and 4 chocolate cakes (such pigs tsk tsk) haha. but yeah, today was exactly what i needed. thanks for making me feel better. :D

i'm tired of holding this inside my head

fuck the drama. i didn't choose to become a part of this but i am. and there's nothing i can do about it. i wish it could be about anything else. school, friends, family, even boys for all i care. but it's not. and there's nothing i can do about it but go through. i hate the fact that i can't talk to anyone else about this.

on the brightside, guess who got her license today? :> five long hours just waiting in LTO but at least it's finally over. my driver just left me there and came back for me when i was done. :| i couldn't eat or go to the bathroom the entire time. but good news is, i wasn't raped or stolen from. i bumped into 3 familiar faces too while i was there.

jealousy is the one of the worst feelings in the world. it can cause you to sin like a hundred times more than the usual.


p.s. i need to stay as far away from you as possible.

party everyday, party everyday

okay so apparently, i was just going through my-life-is-miserable kind of days. until this morning, the bad vibes were following me. i arrived extra early in cal (arriving before the gate opens in cal is kind of sad), i left my phone in the car (karma for texting while driving), at the start of class we did not have electricity, i went around cal to look for someone who had kat's number, or mara luna's actually. i was so sad and so desperate that i spent for two jeepney fares to rush to alumni center right after eng 12 to catch sina kat for pe, but failed. so i went to econ library and drowned in my sorrows. i couldn't focus on reading the plague, the most dragging novel ever written.

then i think the minute maid suddenly turned everything around. just as i was about to leave since i couldn't focus anyway, kelvin comes. though his phone is currently missing a "clear" button, i was able to text kat for lunch after. i was able to read a good deal of the novel too. then i got my highest score yet in duckpin bowling - 94. 1 strike and 1 spare. yes. "lucky day mo ngayon ha." and "magmodel ka. kaya pala ang poised mo." oh oh oh. then went to casaa. i thought it'd be alone then i bumped into a couple. but then someone called me away from being a third wheel and i stayed there. good lunch, good lunch.

math was the absolute cherry. i think that was the fastest math class i have ever had. i laughed til i cried as rodrigo's attempted joke. you have to admit, the way he said it was funny. the rest of the day was okay.

but i think i've got the drive back. or at least i hope i got it back.




p.s. you know i've had a good day when i actually "blog" about it instead of being so general and vague like i usually do when i blog haha.

turned off

today's realization:
when it gets turned off, it gets turned off forever.


i never thought it would bother me like this before. i'm 18 and i thought i would be able to accept it by now. but really, i was never ready to face family issues. more than acads, extra-currics, friends or just plain pressure, nothing can make me feel as stressed the way family problems do. sadly, it's not your common family problem. i can't even complain or tell anyone about it. it's like some secret. no one will understand, and no one can side with me. unconsciously, maybe that's why i've been so down.

at times like these, i just really need my good friends.

good talk, good walk today. it felt good to watch a soccer game in the sunken garden. then i just lost myself again.

majorly depressed

i'm majorly depressed and it's not even funny. i thought maybe certain things or people would cheer me up, or make me smile even, but no, it didn't work. what is wrong with me.

i miss cara and maia.

you're a bitter loser

sometimes i really wish i had much better things to do. i think i've been in such a sulky mood these past few days because 1) i haven't been out this weekend, at all and 2) there is nothing due this week for me to study or cram. this leaves me with one option: doing absolutely nothing. i have not had a real conversation with a friend since friday. the closest thing i have had to socials is probably facebook, but that doesn't really count. i've been trying to de-tach myself since friday night but it hasn't been working, obviously. this weekend seems so long when you really don't have anything to do. i probably sound like some insecure loner but i really think it's the effect of college. it got me so used to seeing friends almost every day. while it can be fun, i know it's not really a good thing. i used to be content to be spending a day at home, just to rest after a long week at school but now, i'm just itching to go out.

well, i had to make a decision. it was either this week or next week.


edit one week later: the despe was a good decision.

ever constant, ever changing

i was so ready to delete my last blogger, but decided against it. despite the crazy crap it's full of, there were still a lot of good memories in there, somewhere. summer memories mostly. so i'm starting again, hoping i sound more like me than someone else in this blog. i always end up worrying if i sound like a pretentious whore if i talk about my "boy drama" too much. or that i might sound like crazy grade conscious kid who has no other life but school with my constant rants. or that i may just be not interesting enough. past all that, i'm just all for being completely honest now. i'm in college and i think i have a life, so why not try again.