ever since things started to go downhill for us, i said i'll allow myself to be sad and accept the hurt rather than deny it and pretend that i'm going to be okay. it's been months and i won't deny that every time i see or hear you, every single time i do, i still get hurt. sometimes i tell myself to get over it, have some dignity and stop feeling this way. maybe if i tried to tell my emotions to stop messing up then i'd be better. but it's not that simple. hurt is a very stubborn feeling. so instead, i chose to hide my hurt through anger and frustration especially when i see you with other girls. but when you talk to me, it's like every reason i had for hating you goes away. i don't understand it. all the "i miss talking to you" and "remember the time this happened" and most especially those "but i know you" lines kill me. and it kills me even more to know that we would have never worked out yet i allowed myself to feel this way. i swear, if i could take all his hurt and put it inside some box and throw it away in the sea never to return again, i would. i've never been hurt this way before.
and that's when it hit me, i loved you. looking back at everything, i honestly don't understand why, i just know i did. and on those few times we get to spend a few minutes alone to talk, i start to realize that maybe i still do love you. i really still do.
i just want to be happy again. that's all i've ever wanted. please allow me at least that.
