Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide
okay, so this is how i explained it to you the other night.
i was already in that point where i was so sure of myself and my decision - i didn't want anything that would get in my way. i was already on that maximum point, on the tip of the iceberg, at the highest limit etc etc and i knew had to do it soon.
so you bet that i couldn't tell him. but i did. then for some unexplainable reason, i just realized that all i needed to do was talk to him. i told him i honestly don't think i can meet up with any of his expectations, i can't always be free or expect to always go for it. i said that i had my own things and my own life and those things mean just as much to me to the point where it wasn't about me anymore. so i told him all those things on one car ride home. then he said he completely understands and that he didn't have any expectations at all. zero, none, yeah.
i came home that thinking oh no, he didn't get it. i expected him to be more aggressive and i was scared it would backfire. yes, he was still sure of what he wanted, but the very next day, he found some way to make things easier for me all of a sudden. for one, he stopped being clingy. he let me be and let me do what i wanted. he was able to find that magical boundary between giving me space and being there for me (pia's letter). he stopped with the drama and lessened the bvs. he gave up a lot of ffl just to make things happen. he met my parents. he became a really good friend.
so just when i was at that threshold of letting everything go completely, he managed to pull me back.
even with jma, nyc, acads, family, friends etc etc and other possible reasons or excuses i can think of to tell myself that it won't work, you were right. knowing someone is there for you is a great thing and i shouldn't take that for granted. i'm doing just that.
to where this thing goes in the near future, i have no idea. i haven't had any idea for the past year. all i know is now and just a night of nothing but gvs. :)
i was already in that point where i was so sure of myself and my decision - i didn't want anything that would get in my way. i was already on that maximum point, on the tip of the iceberg, at the highest limit etc etc and i knew had to do it soon.
so you bet that i couldn't tell him. but i did. then for some unexplainable reason, i just realized that all i needed to do was talk to him. i told him i honestly don't think i can meet up with any of his expectations, i can't always be free or expect to always go for it. i said that i had my own things and my own life and those things mean just as much to me to the point where it wasn't about me anymore. so i told him all those things on one car ride home. then he said he completely understands and that he didn't have any expectations at all. zero, none, yeah.
i came home that thinking oh no, he didn't get it. i expected him to be more aggressive and i was scared it would backfire. yes, he was still sure of what he wanted, but the very next day, he found some way to make things easier for me all of a sudden. for one, he stopped being clingy. he let me be and let me do what i wanted. he was able to find that magical boundary between giving me space and being there for me (pia's letter). he stopped with the drama and lessened the bvs. he gave up a lot of ffl just to make things happen. he met my parents. he became a really good friend.
so just when i was at that threshold of letting everything go completely, he managed to pull me back.
even with jma, nyc, acads, family, friends etc etc and other possible reasons or excuses i can think of to tell myself that it won't work, you were right. knowing someone is there for you is a great thing and i shouldn't take that for granted. i'm doing just that.
to where this thing goes in the near future, i have no idea. i haven't had any idea for the past year. all i know is now and just a night of nothing but gvs. :)
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