stop shitting me.

a sembreak conversation

e: ... i can't stop thinking about it.
l: that's your problem.
e: what?
l: you think too much.

e: i tried as many things i could last sem, even to the point of tiring myself out, just hoping i could find it. but still nothing.
l: try focusing on the things you already have before trying new things
e: but i don't know where to start.
l: here's what you do - make a list of things that made you happy last sem and another list of things that made you sad. then for the following sem, focus more on the things that made you happy rather than sad.
e: what if what makes me happy is to make other people happy
l: you can't make everyone happy and you know that.

e: why are you so smart
l: because i don't think too much. i just let things come as they are.
e: unlike me
l: yeah
e: then have you ever wondered why we got along in the first place?
l: yeah, but i guess we have qualities that the other doesn't so we help each other out. you help me think some things through and i help you loosen up a bit. it balances out.

e: ... me too, but i'm scared to say it.
l: there you go again. stop thinking too much about it and say it.

--

thank you sembreak for giving me this chance to rest and get fat. and thank you for giving me advice that made me feel more stupid but at least more free after.

days we live for

and just like that, you had me already.

waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide

okay, so this is how i explained it to you the other night.

i was already in that point where i was so sure of myself and my decision - i didn't want anything that would get in my way. i was already on that maximum point, on the tip of the iceberg, at the highest limit etc etc and i knew had to do it soon.

so you bet that i couldn't tell him. but i did. then for some unexplainable reason, i just realized that all i needed to do was talk to him. i told him i honestly don't think i can meet up with any of his expectations, i can't always be free or expect to always go for it. i said that i had my own things and my own life and those things mean just as much to me to the point where it wasn't about me anymore. so i told him all those things on one car ride home. then he said he completely understands and that he didn't have any expectations at all. zero, none, yeah.

i came home that thinking oh no, he didn't get it. i expected him to be more aggressive and i was scared it would backfire. yes, he was still sure of what he wanted, but the very next day, he found some way to make things easier for me all of a sudden. for one, he stopped being clingy. he let me be and let me do what i wanted. he was able to find that magical boundary between giving me space and being there for me (pia's letter). he stopped with the drama and lessened the bvs. he gave up a lot of ffl just to make things happen. he met my parents. he became a really good friend.

so just when i was at that threshold of letting everything go completely, he managed to pull me back.

even with jma, nyc, acads, family, friends etc etc and other possible reasons or excuses i can think of to tell myself that it won't work, you were right. knowing someone is there for you is a great thing and i shouldn't take that for granted. i'm doing just that.

to where this thing goes in the near future, i have no idea. i haven't had any idea for the past year. all i know is now and just a night of nothing but gvs. :)

they made a statue of us

things don't have to change. i like it better this way.

if i was stronger than that

i don't know if it's a normal thing to have friends get mad at you every once in a while but since it happened a lot pretty recently, i'm starting to think that it's not normal.

i love my extra-currics. they're not even a lot. but why is it ruining my relationship with everything else? i don't think it's supposed to. it's supposed to de-stress me from crazy acads or keep me on my toes instead of being a bum. and it's doing just that, but more. i used to think it was a problem of having too much. but now i think it's a problem of, i dunno actually. but i think it has something to do with when i'm not feeling something, then i won't do it. that's actually a problem since usually obligations or commitments aren't supposed to be feelings-based, not just concerning work but with relationships, friends, families etc too. apparently, i "feel" org work more than i do with other things. it's like i'm sucked way too much and i can't open up to other things, especially other commitments.

i don't know what to do. i can't stop what i'm doing now. but i don't have any idea how to fix things either. i'm trying. i tried by detaching myself (i.e. away from facebook and phone) but that backfired completely.

so i really hope you won't leave me too.

see you around

i don't know what to do. i've never been as confused in my entire life. shit. does this even count as love? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

perfect shade

i'm going to sound really evil but i wish you have nothing to do with me and my life. i'll live mine the way i want to.

burday

i like this birthday. really simple yet really sweet. happy 19 to you. here's to your last teen year. :)

19

ten things i promise myself before i turn 19:

1. do not check her facebook account anymore
2. try to be a girl
3. fight the bad days
4. have a little more faith in yourself
5. faithfully
6. don't stay complacent
7. do not touch alcohol
8. be thankful for people in your life
9. don't say yes to everything, because you really can't do everything
10. learn to stick to your promises

i've always wondered what it feels like to deactivate your fb account on your birthday.

i'll light your match

summer is ending soon. and i haven't done anything great with my summer either. it's been pretty dull actually. and very fast, compared to last summer. or the one before that. i think i found it fast because of the lack of bumming around. it's always go here on one day or do this on another day. i haven't had 3 days in a row this summer that i could say hey, i have nothing to do so i'll just watch movies/tv series the whole day or sleep and eat all i want. no, it's always rest this morning but later in the afternoon i have to do this. or i have to finish this today because i need it for tomorrow. sure, this summer was productive but i wouldn't really call it fun.

not to mention the stress i dealt with/am dealing with this summer. you can't blame me for not enjoying it. as much as i believe stress pushes me to work well, i still believe that i need a break, and i need that break in summer. but i only have 2 more days left and it's definitely not enough.

birthday's coming up. i can't say i'm really excited for it either. i wish i could be a little happier for it though.

if there's only one thing good about this summer ending, it's that there's finally rain.

on a completely unrelated note, i just realized that it's true what they say - you won't realize how much you miss someone until they're actually not around.

seeing things again

this is going to sound really stupid but i think i've been having self-esteem issues. i think i should blame facebook.

reading

Is it normal when your friends start hating you after a while?

I AM PRAYING SO HARD THAT THERE'S A WAY TO STAY PLEASE.

break heart

He's trying me again. And it hurts so much. It's like heartbreak but a hundred times worse. Just when I think my life is okay, He shakes things up all over again. But I guess it's time to accept that my life will always be like that. He's testing me if I can be strong. I wish I could be but it's so painful. And when it finally hits me, I'll probably cry buckets then eventually let it go. But I trust Him. I know it's always for the best.

i don't understand

i'm actually really worried for you this week. i got extra scared when you stopped replying. i really hope you're fine. because for some odd reason, i won't be fine if you're not. shit, i don't even know why i care. you just asked me to stay, and i did.

or maybe it's just me

i am a jealous bitch. you did it once, twice and now a third time all in a span of 2 weeks. with the same freaking person. out of all the chongalings in the world, it just had to be her. right after exiting the window, sometimes i click on the link again and read it one more time just to see if i'd feel the same thing the next time around. and sadly, i do. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

so true

Sometimes, we just got to act like there’s nothing wrong.

thinking of

first fault: you fell for your kabarkada. do not fall for your kabarkada

second fault: you like someone, then he likes you back, and when you're starting to get somewhere, you back off like it's the worse thing in the world.

third fault: happened, stopped, happened again. one word: paasa.

conclusion: it's my fault.

me being irrational

i hate boys. can they just die in hell. minus my family and myAQ barkada of course. either than that, can they all just die those stupid flirts. might as well include the entire chinese population if they can fit in hell. DIE.

after the day is done

okay, fine. so honestly i didn't want it THAT badly. but the only reason i felt bad was because it was a blow to my pride. i've never NOT been accepted or NOT get any position i wanted, until now. a complete waste of day, but i did learn that:

1. failure exists in life, ESPECIALLY IN UP. (no wonder they say that UP is the best teacher, not just in terms of academics.)
2. you can't always get what you want
3. once in a while you fail, only to get better
4. once in a while you have to humble yourself
5. if your heart is not in it, don't even bother

makes you think

i received a futureme letter. HAHAHAHA.

about those chinese boys

Dear FutureMe,

stay far far away from those chinese boys. please. you don't deserve them. i mean, they're just chinese afterall. traditions and beliefs and language that just serve as some barrier. it's not going to work out. your past self should know from experience. it wasn't good either. and please stay away from bastards or jerks or asses. i know they can seem attractive at first with all their confidence and self-esteem but don't let their arrogance get the best of you. get to really know who they are like. you are never dating a stranger. never.

digestive system

we all get a little lost once in a while. that's alright. the important thing is finding your way back.

i need to take time to fix things without disconnecting myself from the rest of the world. it's hard but i feel that i will lose myself all the more without something to hold on. maybe over the summer.

you said to promise you to always go for what is challenging and never settle for the old ways. more than what i want to do in life, or what next step i should take, or what academic load that is thrown at me, what is challenging for me now is finding myself. even i can't really say what is or what is not me. i just know it's not the same. it's only when you're finally out of high school that you realize the values it has imprinted and just how much of servant-leadership is in my system for me to ever forget. it's like if you asked me describe to you what a leader is, the first thing that will pop into my mind is servant. it's that ingrained in me that it feel like i am incomplete without it. and that's how i feel now. incomplete. it's not that i am unhappy with not content with where i am right now, there's just something i need to do more. it's not even for my own personal gain anymore; it's really because i feel the need to give back, i feel the need to serve, like i have always done.

i will keep my promise. :)

and they say -

miss.

i'll always have more to say

you do some things right. like being a good influence. i'll be really surprised if things work.

if we ever meet again

i lied. i didn't think i was lying that time. but i wasn't being completely honest either. i made a mistake. and all i can do is wait and see if it can be fixed or not.

question that's been going through my mind

I saw this on Facebook a couple of minutes ago - You know the Greeks didn't write obituaries. They only asked one question after a man died: "Did he have passion?"

you're doing it again. and you got me hooked.

bored

i am bored. so bored that i don't even know what to do. i did absolutely nothing this weekend but bum around, eat, watch a couple of movies and eat some more. i have very little homework due this week but i can't even get myself to start. i constantly need to work. sometimes i would complain when i'm all stressed, but i'd rather be stressed and busy then bored and unproductive. i like the rush i get whenever i have a new project or something to work on. now, nothing. so what's my point? nothing really.

oh and my period really turns me into some eating machine. not good when the "biggest party in the metro" is coming up this saturday.

this door is always open

i got caught. but it was worth going to fight night. from the two-plus-hour car ride with anaj and butch (and getting lost a million times even if the two of them have been there already) to late night good fun with nothing but alcohol and a camera. these people really make me feel at home wherever i am. :)

after last night's "talk", i realized that you're never sure where you're going to end up but you just have to keep on trying. i hope things work out.

looking the other way

january was a very uneventful month. i spent part of new year's alone, my weekends were dull, midterms stress was just stressful. minus valentine's day, i think february will turn out to be better. even chinese new year looks fun.

sdjgfboiwjdbfg

shit okay do no talk to me when i'm in this shitty mood. you make me want to hate everyone i see. i fucked up my mbb exam and i come home to a screaming mother. it's a shit day. then just shit okay you make everything worse by just existing in my crazy world. don't mess with my shit and i won't give a fuck about yours.

cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out

I FEEL SO FREEEEEEE.

okay, that probably made me sound like some heartless bitch, but i feel so much lighter now that i've said it and i was finally honest. i really think things turned out better after. while i expected everything to turn downhill or turn awkward after, it's like things went in a completely opposite direction. i mean, we both never felt so comfortable until that moment. even you said it.

but if there was one thing i regret about this entire thing, it strangely has nothing to do with you, it was telling others. i know they would eventually find out, but as much as possible i didn't want it to come from me. i wanted to AVOID talking about it, at least for now. i made a decision and i want to stick to it, but i feel like talking to other people would either confuse me or make me regret it. i knew that telling others would make me really FEEL like some heartless bitch. i thought i'd finally be liberated, and i was, but not completely because of other people's constant reminders of what a bitch i am (i.e. someone just told me to stop talking him and another person told me that he felt the pain of it and sort of announces it to the whole world via facebook). i know it's all a joke, and reactions earlier were probably exaggerated (or at least all those jaw drops of disappointment and instant frowns were exaggerated), and i shouldn't take any of their reactions seriously, but i don't know, i couldn't help but feel bad, even just the slightest bit. it made me feel bad about what i did and the fact that i hurt more than one person because i was being selfish. i don't know, i'd probably take back all of this one day and just look back and laugh. but i really just wanted this to be between you and me. i didn't want to involve anyone else. i didn't want anyone else to really know. but it's my fault too, i started to talk when i knew i shouldn't have. i should just kept my mouth shut.

but it's done. this blog is my only perfect excuse to talk about it, but either than that, let's please never bring it up ever again.

shawty's like a melody in my head

after feeling so eehh this whole week, i've never felt so confident to just do something. (and i swear it's not because of alcohol.) like there's so many things i want to do next sem, so many things i want to change. it's not that i have everything planned, or like we discussed in english 11, that we choose to follow our "script in life" but i just definitely know i want to change and be more of myself at the same time. is that even possible, i wouldn't know til i get there. the thought just excites me and motivates me.

note to self: play sports more often. exercise produces endorphins. endorphins make you happy. therefore, exercise makes you happy.

and one frequency will forever be in my heart for special reasons. here's to many more future renumans. so much love. ♥

so where do we go from here

my mom and i were talking about my cousin who always has a new girlfriend every couple of months or so. it's not that he's chik boy. it's not like he cheats or double-times his girls. when one thing doesn't work out, he just moves on really fast and anothes one follows before you could hear news about his break-up. so i asked him one time why he does that. i asked him that even if he knows that 90% of his relationships aren't anything serious or won't end up anywhere in the future, why does he still pursue them or why does he pour so much time and energy for these kinds of things. i expected some really long complicated answer about his feelings or about his ego, but he simply said that he just needs someone to inspire him. he needs someone to motivate him and make him a better person. he doesn't think much about the future or why he's jumping into something so quickly. he doesn't think about it at all. he just does it cause it makes me feel good for the moment.

sometimes i envy him. i thought planning and thinking about things would be the wiser step. like eventually i'd realize that i'd be happier. but if it's a question of happiness, i don't think i can confidently say that i'm any happier.

sometimes i wish that it would just happen. without thought or any worry in the world, i could just ALLOW myself to let it happen. but i think i'm too much of myself for it to ever happen now or at least in the near future.

he asked me the same thing twice

i believe my last major event of the sem for jma is finally over. (not really counting app proj and delibs.) it even feels like the sem is over too and there's nothing much left. i feel like 2010 will be such a dull year for me. at least compared to 2009. i had SO MUCH to look forward to last year, and it was such an epic year with scop, high school graduation, summer, becoming legal, starting college, joining my first org, etc. there was just so much. i envy those who are so optimistic about their 2010 with so many things to look forward to. with my 2010, there's hardly anything. i can't even say i'm looking forward to summer cause i'm planning to take summer class. sure, there's a few things here and there, like my birthday for example, but generally i'm just going to be studying, working, stressing myself and become a 19 year old sophomore. like i said, dull.

i hope i'm wrong. because if not, it's going to be a really long year.


edit;
then i looked back on my year 2009 entry. and i realized if there's one thing i can really look forward to in 2010, it would be this - change.

that totally sounded like an obama campaign haha. but it's true, true.

there was always that

first post of the year and guess what, i'm going to be selfish this once and say that i have a right to be happy.