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shit okay do no talk to me when i'm in this shitty mood. you make me want to hate everyone i see. i fucked up my mbb exam and i come home to a screaming mother. it's a shit day. then just shit okay you make everything worse by just existing in my crazy world. don't mess with my shit and i won't give a fuck about yours.

cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out

I FEEL SO FREEEEEEE.

okay, that probably made me sound like some heartless bitch, but i feel so much lighter now that i've said it and i was finally honest. i really think things turned out better after. while i expected everything to turn downhill or turn awkward after, it's like things went in a completely opposite direction. i mean, we both never felt so comfortable until that moment. even you said it.

but if there was one thing i regret about this entire thing, it strangely has nothing to do with you, it was telling others. i know they would eventually find out, but as much as possible i didn't want it to come from me. i wanted to AVOID talking about it, at least for now. i made a decision and i want to stick to it, but i feel like talking to other people would either confuse me or make me regret it. i knew that telling others would make me really FEEL like some heartless bitch. i thought i'd finally be liberated, and i was, but not completely because of other people's constant reminders of what a bitch i am (i.e. someone just told me to stop talking him and another person told me that he felt the pain of it and sort of announces it to the whole world via facebook). i know it's all a joke, and reactions earlier were probably exaggerated (or at least all those jaw drops of disappointment and instant frowns were exaggerated), and i shouldn't take any of their reactions seriously, but i don't know, i couldn't help but feel bad, even just the slightest bit. it made me feel bad about what i did and the fact that i hurt more than one person because i was being selfish. i don't know, i'd probably take back all of this one day and just look back and laugh. but i really just wanted this to be between you and me. i didn't want to involve anyone else. i didn't want anyone else to really know. but it's my fault too, i started to talk when i knew i shouldn't have. i should just kept my mouth shut.

but it's done. this blog is my only perfect excuse to talk about it, but either than that, let's please never bring it up ever again.

shawty's like a melody in my head

after feeling so eehh this whole week, i've never felt so confident to just do something. (and i swear it's not because of alcohol.) like there's so many things i want to do next sem, so many things i want to change. it's not that i have everything planned, or like we discussed in english 11, that we choose to follow our "script in life" but i just definitely know i want to change and be more of myself at the same time. is that even possible, i wouldn't know til i get there. the thought just excites me and motivates me.

note to self: play sports more often. exercise produces endorphins. endorphins make you happy. therefore, exercise makes you happy.

and one frequency will forever be in my heart for special reasons. here's to many more future renumans. so much love. ♥

so where do we go from here

my mom and i were talking about my cousin who always has a new girlfriend every couple of months or so. it's not that he's chik boy. it's not like he cheats or double-times his girls. when one thing doesn't work out, he just moves on really fast and anothes one follows before you could hear news about his break-up. so i asked him one time why he does that. i asked him that even if he knows that 90% of his relationships aren't anything serious or won't end up anywhere in the future, why does he still pursue them or why does he pour so much time and energy for these kinds of things. i expected some really long complicated answer about his feelings or about his ego, but he simply said that he just needs someone to inspire him. he needs someone to motivate him and make him a better person. he doesn't think much about the future or why he's jumping into something so quickly. he doesn't think about it at all. he just does it cause it makes me feel good for the moment.

sometimes i envy him. i thought planning and thinking about things would be the wiser step. like eventually i'd realize that i'd be happier. but if it's a question of happiness, i don't think i can confidently say that i'm any happier.

sometimes i wish that it would just happen. without thought or any worry in the world, i could just ALLOW myself to let it happen. but i think i'm too much of myself for it to ever happen now or at least in the near future.

he asked me the same thing twice

i believe my last major event of the sem for jma is finally over. (not really counting app proj and delibs.) it even feels like the sem is over too and there's nothing much left. i feel like 2010 will be such a dull year for me. at least compared to 2009. i had SO MUCH to look forward to last year, and it was such an epic year with scop, high school graduation, summer, becoming legal, starting college, joining my first org, etc. there was just so much. i envy those who are so optimistic about their 2010 with so many things to look forward to. with my 2010, there's hardly anything. i can't even say i'm looking forward to summer cause i'm planning to take summer class. sure, there's a few things here and there, like my birthday for example, but generally i'm just going to be studying, working, stressing myself and become a 19 year old sophomore. like i said, dull.

i hope i'm wrong. because if not, it's going to be a really long year.


edit;
then i looked back on my year 2009 entry. and i realized if there's one thing i can really look forward to in 2010, it would be this - change.

that totally sounded like an obama campaign haha. but it's true, true.

there was always that

first post of the year and guess what, i'm going to be selfish this once and say that i have a right to be happy.