the truth

I want to let you go so bad but I can't. It's so painful that the only solution left is to wait.

nights like these

i'm really sorry i'm not good enough.

ultimate BV

i am so mad right now that this might sound so stupid to write about but since i think no one (or hardly anyone) reads this anyway, might as well let it out. this would probably be gone in a few days.

1. it is not my fault that stupid bagyo didn't hit manila. don't get me wrong, i am thankful that it left and didn't do any harm to anyone here but seriously, couldn't you have made your weather predictions a bit clearer. this is so mababaw but coordinating all the way from another country to fix this up is no easy thing. then you made me panic about carpool and made me beg like how many people just find. then made me even ask my parents who were furious about letting me even go in the first place. i was just going to make takas everything for this AND THEN, it was my call to cancel it AND THEN, that's when the storm decides to go away. and now, i can't find any time anymore to resched because i'm leaving and school is about to start.

2. i was lazy, yes. but because i wanted to be a nice friend, i said yes to going anyway. then when i finally reply, you make me rush into getting ready. which i did and which stressed me out too btw because i ended up accidentally cutting my finger since i was in such a hurry. then as i go down the elevator, you call me and tell me that it was freaking moved. so fine, never mind. but i was there already so i went with you anyway and five minutes into the car ride, we both decided we're tamad and we just go back home. perfection.

3. okay so you told me to plan it. but i'm lazy and honestly, it's more of i really don't care right now. i'm on an all time low right now and this whole thing is the last thing i want to prioritize in my life, even if i sadly have to. so i'm trying everything to avoid it. EVERYTHING I TELL YOU. but so many obligations and people i will let down if ever. but there are times like right now that I ABSOLUTELY DON'T CARE. and then all of a sudden, ~YOU~ (a different you btw) post on fb trying to rub it in my face, you don't think i notice. then ~YOU~ (another person) comment on that post as if you could have done a better job. and then ~YOU~ (again another person) add to make everything worse by doing something that i should be doing and was told to do but since i've decided to ignore it, you'll go ahead and do it. okay, everything sounds so vague but basically, i decided to not care and suddenly, i'm feeling bad for not caring when someone else decides to do your job and care. sounds stupid, especially since i don't care. but since i'm writing about this right now, i obviously do care. LORD WHY DO I NOT CARE. AND WHY DOES EVERYTHING LOOK LIKE I'M MY FAULT.

I'M SORRY OKAY. i'm sorry i've been making wrong calls and i'm sorry i've not been caring enough. and i'm sorry because i think that this whole thing was a mistake. i'm not that person and i can't be that person. i think i care too much for myself and what i want to do. and even if i realized that right now, i don't feel like changing myself just for that. maybe for other things, yes. but right now, i'm at a low and i just don't care.

i am so dead when the school starts and i just pray that this whole thing i'm feeling disappears and i pray i will regret everything i ever wrote here.

it's really all my fault and i'm ashamed. :(

true story

good things come to those who wait.

i'd lie

never thought a boy would make me cry so hard. i guess i was wrong. this is definitely one for the books.

it's the experience

this week i learned to never ever ever take your friends for granted. especially since they're pretty much the closest thing i have to a family now. it's been another tough week, but i'm really thankful for the friends who helped me go through it and give me a reason to smile each time. this sounds awfully cheesy but this is just a self-reminder that even at the hardest times, there will always been people who care, whether or not you realize it. and there will always be a reason to be happy and enjoy, just try looking at the bright side more often.

plus why would you waste your college wearing a sour face most of the time. it's not the grades or achievements that you'll remember about college. you'll remember the feelings and the friends and the good times.

another 2011 post

besides that drama in my last post, i think i've been doing alright. actually wait, no that's a lie. i look like i'm doing alright but i'm actually still lost with what to do with my life. i've had this problem for a really long time now. if you asked me what i want to do at this very moment, i want to be at the beach with my friends, listening to my favorite 90s songs and drinking until the sun comes up. but since that's not really possible with classes resuming tomorrow and exams and homework piled up for the next weeks, i'm just blank with what to do. i know should be studying right now. i know i could be more productive somehow. but it's not really what i'm looking for right now.

see, i've been on this "journey" for quite some time already. you know, the whole "searching for something fulfilling to do with my life etc etc" thing. and obviously i still have no answer. i tried joining a new org, meeting new people, going to new places, isolating myself from the rest of the world, trying out new hobbies or interests, spending more time with my family, asking a million people, praying about it and even some sort of meditation time in silence. not sure if i'm doing something wrong or looking in the wrong places, but it still hasn't come.

so what should i do now? honestly, i don't know. it's 2011 and i thought by now i'd have at least some progress. well maybe i did, even if it's just a little bit. but since i don't have any answers or i don't have a clue what else to do, i guess the only think i can do is to continue doing what i've been doing. i'm still looking into trying out new things, meeting new people, exploring the world etc etc. nothing much has changed, just probably with a different perspective now.

the important thing i've learned is just not to give up. i know i'll find it one day. and of course, to continue enjoying life as it goes along. college is really an amazing experience but i'd be stupid if i took it for granted and took everything so seriously. do what you want and do it with no regrets. that's my 2011 resolution.

hello 2011

promises mean a lot to me. no matter how we close the deal - whether's it's by saying 'promise' or 'word' or with a pinky promise or with a hug. but when someone makes a promise to me, i really hold on to those things. so it hurts like hell when those promises don't come true. i admit though, i'm not a perfect keeper of promises either and i know everyone breaks a couple of promises sometimes. but to break it almost every time?

you know what i honestly feel, i feel like you think it's okay to break your promises to me because i'm the type of person who'll forgive you anyway. that i can't stay mad at you for too long. that i'll be there when you need me and just stand around in the corner when you don't.

i don't know, maybe promises don't mean as much to you as they do to me. i wonder if you even ever noticed that when i say i'll do something for you, i'll really try to do it. but for me, i don't even see you try sometimes. you probably think that everything's okay between us. but that's only because i never make a big deal out of things. and why would i? they say the best way to fix things is to talk about it. but everytime i try, it's always next time or i'm busy. go ahead, make time for the rest of the world.

bottom line is, i don't think i can make you happy. and you're very good at showing that. you don't smile or laugh the same way you used to anymore. and that's probably why you don't make any effort to keep your promises either. maybe someone else can make you happier because i don't think i can.



i'm a bitter bitch. i have no where else to put this so that's why it's here.

one last:
can you really stop shitting me. you can tell the entire world but not me. wish you had the guts to tell it to my face.