ultimate BV

i am so mad right now that this might sound so stupid to write about but since i think no one (or hardly anyone) reads this anyway, might as well let it out. this would probably be gone in a few days.

1. it is not my fault that stupid bagyo didn't hit manila. don't get me wrong, i am thankful that it left and didn't do any harm to anyone here but seriously, couldn't you have made your weather predictions a bit clearer. this is so mababaw but coordinating all the way from another country to fix this up is no easy thing. then you made me panic about carpool and made me beg like how many people just find. then made me even ask my parents who were furious about letting me even go in the first place. i was just going to make takas everything for this AND THEN, it was my call to cancel it AND THEN, that's when the storm decides to go away. and now, i can't find any time anymore to resched because i'm leaving and school is about to start.

2. i was lazy, yes. but because i wanted to be a nice friend, i said yes to going anyway. then when i finally reply, you make me rush into getting ready. which i did and which stressed me out too btw because i ended up accidentally cutting my finger since i was in such a hurry. then as i go down the elevator, you call me and tell me that it was freaking moved. so fine, never mind. but i was there already so i went with you anyway and five minutes into the car ride, we both decided we're tamad and we just go back home. perfection.

3. okay so you told me to plan it. but i'm lazy and honestly, it's more of i really don't care right now. i'm on an all time low right now and this whole thing is the last thing i want to prioritize in my life, even if i sadly have to. so i'm trying everything to avoid it. EVERYTHING I TELL YOU. but so many obligations and people i will let down if ever. but there are times like right now that I ABSOLUTELY DON'T CARE. and then all of a sudden, ~YOU~ (a different you btw) post on fb trying to rub it in my face, you don't think i notice. then ~YOU~ (another person) comment on that post as if you could have done a better job. and then ~YOU~ (again another person) add to make everything worse by doing something that i should be doing and was told to do but since i've decided to ignore it, you'll go ahead and do it. okay, everything sounds so vague but basically, i decided to not care and suddenly, i'm feeling bad for not caring when someone else decides to do your job and care. sounds stupid, especially since i don't care. but since i'm writing about this right now, i obviously do care. LORD WHY DO I NOT CARE. AND WHY DOES EVERYTHING LOOK LIKE I'M MY FAULT.

I'M SORRY OKAY. i'm sorry i've been making wrong calls and i'm sorry i've not been caring enough. and i'm sorry because i think that this whole thing was a mistake. i'm not that person and i can't be that person. i think i care too much for myself and what i want to do. and even if i realized that right now, i don't feel like changing myself just for that. maybe for other things, yes. but right now, i'm at a low and i just don't care.

i am so dead when the school starts and i just pray that this whole thing i'm feeling disappears and i pray i will regret everything i ever wrote here.

it's really all my fault and i'm ashamed. :(